bedtime

I love my life. It's quirky, sad, hilarious, intense, simple, complicated, and full of blessings. All wrapped up in God's humor.

Bedtime is in full swing here. Emily (who has a cold) is sad because "daddy hurt her feelings" when he told her it was time for nigh' night prayer the minutes ago, so she's sobbing, and Adam is bouncing on the bed. I'm sitting in the living room while their I-love-them-too-much-to-discipline-them daddy "deals with it". I'm doing biiiiiiig faaaaat air quotes on that "deals with it" right there, cuz God knows I'm the one who's dealing with it from half way across the house. and Tim? He says NOTHING to them, even though he's literally laying in bed with them. Some might say it's because I'm too over powering in my parenting approach. I'm intense, I know that. But you know what I say? Those people have never had an exhausted husband "help" with bedtime. The rest of us know he isn't saying anything because (are you ready this?) HE'S SLEEPING. (cue the laughter from the live studio audience, because I think I just saw this last week on an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond). Yeah, I'm irritated. But I'm not mad.

Emily is whimpering and blowing her nose like any three year old (loads of snot all over her nose, in her hair, eyes, eyebrows, across her cheeks and forehead, between her fingers, and some on the tissue) and Adam is doing a handstand against the wall.

{{Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, in here.}}

Now I'm washing Emily and scolding Adam, and reminding myself that these are the easy years. My kids are so sweet and silly, and any parent who's lost a child too soon would do anything to have this moment I've been given. I'm going insane, but I have all my babies. I do NOT take that for granted.

And I'm actually thinking, "Poor Tim. He's missing it."

Sleep, baby, sleep!

Long days at home, just me and the kids. The house doesn't see improvement projects. The table isn't used for crafts or art. The laundry machines aren't being utilized.

The yard, on the other hand, is littered with toys. The sandbox, pool, and water table are evidence of the tired mama and kiddos inside. Emily was so tired she passed out in my arms at lunch without having a bite. She didn't even nurse, which is unusual for her.

I'm feeling better now that I've had 4 full days of amoxicillin. Amazing what exhaustion does to the mind and body and spirit. With Emily sleeping in the other room now, I'm ready to have my sleep. She's 13.5 months old, and I'm tired. The issue: her nursing at night. I need to spend a couple of weeks giving her the chance to work through some of her night awakening, but that requires my to be awake through her feedings so I can put her back in her crib right away.

I am trying to remind myself that this is temporary. In just a few months she should be sleeping 12 hours straight. Time for me to work on that for both of us!

another random check-in

Boy, have I been in a funk. I'm lonely. I don't have a problem admitting that, but it comes with a stigma that I'm failing at life somehow, somewhere. I don't currently have many close friends. I was close to someone for about a year and a half, until about a month ago when she dropped off the face of the planet. I never see her out. She doesn't respond to my messages. I'm not insecure about why, but understanding her history with depression since losing her son makes me concerned about her. I don't want to overstep my boundaries and show up on her doorstep, and at the same time it seems unsettling to me to just stop hearing from her. :/

Sorry, I'll stop going on about it. It consumes a fair amount of my thoughts lately, especially when I'm at home and have nothing else to focus on. Actually, that's not entirely true. In my loneliness I've come to realize how much I miss my hobbies. I've somewhat reluctantly reclaimed my bedroom; Emily's crib is in Adam's room, or, as we now know it, The Kids' Room. It's exposed a lot of things (I've been ashamed to admit) hiding from the simple fact of denial and procrastination: paperwork and just plain junk. Not to mention the fact that I'm not ready for Emily to be in a room away from me as much as I'm desperate for her to give me space. She nurses a lot at night still. I haven't had her cry it out like I did with Adam. It worked with him and she carried on for an hour and a half at my last feeble attempt.

I digress as that is not where my original thought path intended. In the process of cleaning and moving things, eliminating and discovering things, I'm getting excited to put closet organizers in this house and arrange my room to accommodate my sewing desk. It got me to thinking about all the hobbies I miss. I am getting to the edge of myself here, as you can tell by my long-winded message, and I want to go back to writing. I keep a couple of blogs. One for me, one for Adam, and I'd like to create and keep up with one for Emily. They're journals. I quit doing them when Tim and I hit our muddy low. How do you journal the overwhelming barrage of garbage exploding from a very muddled up and depressed mind in simple ABC's on the internet? You don't. Someone out there might, but not this girl. Best to bury that crud in the past, submitting it to God and moving on. I want to move on from it and I feel ready. Another thing my loneliness has exposed is my need to have a close friend...in my husband. I've been reluctant because of a painful past, but now I'm holding myself back from happiness. Well, no more! My baby is old enough that the fog of motherhood has lifted and I'm eager to get moving. My insomniac mind has only started and It's nearly 11 o'clock. Oh, dear.

On that note, time for a long drowning soak to stifle the sounds of my thoughts. I'm bringing a book with me into the tub. Think I can manage to keep it dry? ;)

Lord, in my eagerness to be joyful, I'm praising you for my loneliness. It is waking me up to the fact that I need Tim as my best friend. It is a gift to realize that friends may come and go but my husband will be with me always (I sure hope!) and I am asking you, God, to fill me with the Holy Spirit so my thoughts, words, and actions can build my relationship with Tim into a best-friendship. In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

Ahhh, naptime!

Ah, naptime.
Blissful, rejuvenating naptime.

I'm going to enforce it as long as I possibly can. I remember taking naps until I was in first grade. I was a child in need of regular sleep and my parents needed me to nap just as much as I did.

Adam has been taking one nap a day since he was about 14 months. Emily naps about 3 times a day. Both are in bed for the night at about8-9pm. I might be a nut for saying this, but I like daylight saving time for one simple reason: we will not change our kids' routine on account of the clock so they will be in bed between 7-8. Sounds good to me!

As for daytime naps, noon will be it for Adam come day in November. I sometimes nap, too, and today is one of those days. I've not been feeling great lately, so I nap. Off I go! :)

Today

It's been so long, I'm not even gonna attempt playing catch-up. I'm just going to jump in and journal about my day for a few minutes.

Currently, Tim & I are back with our counselors intermittently. Things for us aren't awful but they're not great. Such is the ebb and flow of life, eh?

Adam is a typical 2.5-year-old boy. He's constantly talking, noisy, making messes and asking why. It's been annoying in the last two days, but that's part of being home with him all day, every day. We ran out of sposies for him so he's in cloth like Emily. This ought to light a fire under me about making him some woolies. Thank goodness for my new sewing machine! :-D

Emily is a very happy 2.5-month-old. She eats like a champ and sleeps great at night (not every night, but I cannot complain). She smiles and laughs easily, and has a cool temper. I love cloth-diapering her. She has introduced me to an amazing network of women that I hope she can be a part of someday.

Myself? Well, I'm still under the employ of Farmers. I'm still on maternity leave but I need to get back to work. I'm involved in our local MOPS group and I try to get out with the kids frequently. Man, that's tough. I'm loving my new HTC One cell phone and playing with snap chat.

On a more personal level, I'm lonely, doubtful, and some other things the devil loves. I'm delving more into my relationship with Christ and getting a little more brave about doing His work. Our current Bible study at church is fine, but I'm getting more from the Beth Moore study on James with the women's group. I need something intense with all the mundane in my life. Oh, this season is exhausting and I feel overwhelmingly blessed by it.

Hope to check in for a few minutes every day at least and jot down a couple worthwhile notes about daily life. More to come...

Lamentations

Today in Bible Study, the topic of discussion was the fall of Israel, in a time at which the people had been so horribly sinful that our God of Hope said there was no remedy for them. The people were so desperately lost that even God recognized no way for His own chosen people to be saved. That terrifies me that we can fall so far away from Him that He won't take us back.

There have been situations in my life and marriage that I felt there were no remedy, no hope, no chance for revival. Lamentations, the book of the Bible written by Jeremiah, was written about that desolate time in Israel's history. The word lament is defined at dictionary.com as “to feel or express sorrow or regret for”. It's a book written in the depths of despair and pain. So many of my own journals have been lamentations.

My favorite part of Jeremiah's Lamentations is where the author writes in chapter 3, verses 21-23, “...and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

The people of Israel did evil in the eyes of God, generation after generation after generation. They hardly ever got it right. They screwed up to the point that God let them be destroyed except for a few of them. God let those few live so they would remember what happened and could warn future generations. Sounds familiar.

Our generation is blessed to have the generation who grew up during The Great Depression. Those folks have a lot to teach our spoiled and coddled generation. It is up to us, however, to be resilient enough to learn from them instead of making those same avoidable mistakes ourselves. One of my favorite sayings is “Life is too short to make your own mistakes; learn from others' and save yourself some time and heartache.”

I find myself thanking God for the trails of others and the gift of resiliency, that I might learn from the hardships of others and in acknowledging God for them, He will make my paths straight. I thank God for bringing those people into my life, and I thank Him for bringing me to life through them. God is so good!

these are the moments

Here I sit, working on a Saturday night. I am feeling so blessed right now that I want to write it down so I can read it when I need to, or look back on it over time and smile.

I'm working while the Packers take on the 49ers in the NFL Playoffs. Nikki texted me just a moment ago, encouraging me to listen to another moving Eagle Brook Church sermon and I'm about to fire up another podcast about getting my daily dose of God. Good stuff! How blessed am I to have a friend who has the wellbeing of my heart and soul on her mind.

Adam fell asleep in my arms after a day of family time at home. Tim is such a good daddy for him and Adam adores him for it. Tim and I do nigh' night prayer with Adam and I give Adam snuggles and lay him down for him to fall asleep on his own. Tonight, though, my sweet boy nuzzled in and fell asleep in my arms (a rarity these days), so I treasured it and snapped a picture with my phone. I am so blessed to have God's confidence in raising His children!

Tim's in the basement practicing his guitar for tomorrow's worship service at church. We're excited to enjoy lunch with our Pastor's family and another family after the service tomorrow. We love our church family and are so blessed to be involved with a great church just 2 miles from where we live! And what an honor to have been invited to our Pastor's home!

Today I posted a pic on Facebook of Adam wearing his “big brother” shirt and it's been a hit with nearly 90 likes and 50 comments. I am feeling the love! Our friends and family, regardless of how close we are to them, are lifting us up and I'm truly humbled by it. We're so blessed to have so many people who care about us!

I hope we can remember to honor God always, even when we don't feel like it or are falling and failing in life. Something I've been meditating on this week has been Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Let that bless us as we put our faith in the one true place where it will never fail. Praise God for that!