upside-down, and the up side of Down

Tim, Adam, and I joined the Step Up for Down Syndrome event over the weekend. We went to support my sister and her family, including 2-year-old Calvin John. Cal was diagnosed with Down syndrome after a startling 20-week ultrasound appointment and follow-up amniocentesis. I just read what I wrote and it doesn't feel right to summarize Calvin and Ilisa's story into a sentence like that. Read more about that story here.



Me and Calvin
9/30/2012

The last few weeks have been life-changing for me (and Tim). After a discovery of epic nightmarish proportions (not going there right now, maybe not ever) I can't help but think about the events that can change a person in a matter of seconds, moments, weeks... It's enlightening and disgusting, encouraging and scary. When the world as you "know" it becomes life as you knew it, I can't help but wonder what people who do not have God in their hearts and lives do to survive. How do they cope??

After nearly a month of reevaluating what seems like every single angle of my life, I am consistently and happily brought to God at every glance and meditation. I have gone to Him in prayer more than I ever imagined I would. He is so prominent in my life that I feel Him moving me. He moves my thoughts, words, and actions. My sponsor through The Program has taught me, above all, to be true to my self. I didn't mistype that: my self, not myself. In being true to my self, I allow God to work my self for His glory, because my self is His self in the sense that I'm here to do His bidding. Hello, Jesus freak! :oP

Prayer has become my lifeline to my life source. Even in the middle of the night when I get up to nurse Adam, I find I'm talking to God, thanking Him for the blessings of hearing Adam, breast milk, interrupted sleep on account of the fact that I am blessed to have Adam, my healthy and precious baby, humming fans, the snoring dog, and even my husband who takes no time at all to sprawl across the bed. Figures. Amazing how three weeks ago I honestly searched my heart for reasons to stay married. After stepping into a trap and being yanked from the floor beneath my feet and jolted and turned upside-down in a heart-wrenching tribulation, I was left with nothing but a choice.

The choice came down to one thing: God. I don't think my sister would disagree that in the moments of disbelief and heartbreak, it's not so much about the choice of how to handle it, but with whom. I've always considered myself a Christian, but I didn't ever know Christ. I didn't know love. I didn't know peace. Now that I know God and His Son, I know faith, hope, and love. I've been poring over Galatians 5 and 1 Corinthians. I've found myself addicted to Proverbs, desperately scouring scripture for answers, keys, and commands.

When I imagine the emotional turmoil Ilisa experienced when her baby was discovered to have heart defects, my heart feels a big, dull ache. I walked with my family and hundreds of strangers and let my soul empathize with parents, grandparents, guardians and caretakers of the people we love and care for, the people who feel that heartbreaking jolt after hearing there could be something wrong with their baby.

My appreciation for the relationship between God and the caretakers of anybody with special needs is profound. If it wasn't for the "bad"/challenges in our lives, we wouldn't have a reason to need God. Well played, big man upstairs, well played. :oD It's the up side of the downs in our lives, cuz when we hit our bottom the only place we can look is up. And in the case of the event over the weekend, being drawn together to feel camaraderie with others who live with the blessing of someone with Down syndrome, we can say it's the up side of Down. See what I did there? Clever, eh? ;o)

My prayer is simple: I beg God to do what it takes to bring us nearer to Him for the glory of His Kingdom. Romans 8 is full of promise. It's offensively real and I'm humble after accepting the words that speak to me. I hope the Holy Spirit continues to move me and make me feel alive in God. To thine own self be true, and not for my glory, but for our Lord who sent His only begotten Son for each of us.

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My focus in the Lord in the past 3 weeks has been through these works:

Romans 8
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13
Eggerichs: Love and Respect
The Story, chapters 1-3
numerous blogs, including Time-Warp Wife and The Hesitant Housewife
podcasts in the "Truly, Madly, Deeply... Stuck" series by Eagle Brook Church
The Program

getting on track

Following up on last night's tired and overwhelmed post, I've had a cup of coffee and I've gotten a couple of things done. I'm feeling a teensy bit accomplished and feeling purposeful brings a great deal of joy to me (anyone, really).

I am a financial fool (just ask my patient husband) and am drowning in my numbers: school loans are sitting stale, starting to rot and stink. The looming cloud of student debt is a huge factor in my attitude these days. I feel the cultural pull of work, and the personal and family push of paying off my decade-old decisions. Part of my agenda today is to assess the decision to go back to work. I haven't talked to Tim about this yet, and that discussion usually goes the same direction every time we have it. (It's nothing new around here). Tim supports me staying home with Adam, financially and otherwise. I need to keep addressing this, though, because I won't stay home forever.

With my energy and better outlook this morning, I am facing the source of my discouragement and I'm asking God for grace as I make calls to my lenders and sort things out. I worked on my budget this morning, and I made a schedule of times to spend blogging, budgeting, working, READING THE WORD, and with family (including church). One day at a time! ;)

I need to draw nearer to God. The reasons are boundless and it's easy to do. With the new church calendar is a new Sunday School calendar, and classes start on Sunday. Worship services are Wednesday nights. I will surround myself with those who love God, and the pieces will fall into place. I need to busy myself with positive things, and get back to the basics: purpose-filled people are happy.

It's 11:30, and blogging time is done! :D Happy Wednesday, and thank you for the thoughts and prayers!

following the leader

In this house things go off with lots of hitches. The one thing that we don't strive for is perfection, but we strive to do things with the right driving force: God. Tim and I have conversations about priorities. Sometimes those conversations get heated, sometimes they are brought up because of one of us making a move in the selfish direction.

I grew up in a family with 6 siblings. We didn't travel much. We didn't go out to eat much. We stayed home and played. We biked a mile into town to the park or Grandma & Grandpa's house to play. We camped in the yard. We played house and post office, and we spent a lot of time outside. My best friends were my siblings. We stayed overnight at friends' houses now and then, and I felt like I was missing out when I was away from home.

My parents created an environment for us to want to be. It wasn't just a place to live. I wanted to be home (I won't comment on my teenage years) and I still call it home. I remember crying as I drove out of the yard on my way to college because I was so homesick. It was a mental battle between my wants and needs. Now that I am home with Adam during the summer days (when I used to go to my parents' house 3 days a week while Tim worked, including last summer) I feel that pang of homesickness once more, and it's easy to decide: needs get priority over wants.

Summer. What a great time of year to be busy, unless you have a busy toddler who needs a routine. The majority of the time I can recreate some of Adam's routine, but I'm a sucker for the easy route, so I stay home. I know that with more kids I will stay home even more, and I'm going to because I want to. Tim used to say things to me when I was pregnant to the effect of, "Our life isn't going to change that much, is it? Why would it?" I didn't even respond. Truth is, his life didn't change much. Not until I started putting more of Adam's care in his hands. I resented Tim for a long time for that, but through The Program have learned that the blame falls on me for not trusting Tim enough... I'm losing track here. That's gonna be another post, I guess. ;)

At any rate, Adam needs routine wherever we are. When he needs something, he communicates that. It falls on me and Tim to listen and decipher his language. Adam is learning some sign language, but that has its limits. It will only get easier. When he was too young to sign and whine, it was only crying. I'll never forget Tim's anxious manner when he asked me when we just got Adam home, "How do we know what he wants?" It wasn't that he wanted anything, it's that he needed something. I figured things out based on the clock. It got easier to hear it in his cries whether it was a hungry cry or a tired cry. Adam never fussed about his diaper, and was a very content baby. I didn't wait for him to cry to answer to his needs; I responded when he fussed. Why wait for a cry when it only meant it would teach him not to trust me and I'd have to take longer to calm him down. It was a no-brainer.

When it came to letting Adam cry it out (CIO) at bedtime, I only attempted it when I knew he was healthy, fed, and tired. His only need at that point was for sleep. He wanted to nurse and be held/rocked/snuggled and I made sure that was the reason for his sadness. I knew that was the case when he would cry when I lowered him to his crib, and stop immediately when I picked him up. I recognized that from his days of crying in his car seat. He cried when he was not ready to self-soothe, and got over it when he was ready for it. When he self-soothed in his car seat he was probably ready to self-soothe in his crib.

This household runs on a baby-led schedule. We meet Adam's needs first. In this culture, that idea is not widely accepted or embraced. We expect our babies to conform to our lifestyles, in the hopes that "not that much will change". I wanted my life to change. Babies are not novelty items. They are anything but convenient. Who said they should be? I am happy to follow Adam's lead, especially when it's so easy to read his signals and adjust to his needs to get a happy kid. Why wouldn't I? It's easy because it's common sense. It's natural. I agree that it's good for kids to learn to be patient and learn to wait for some things. I also believe that a kid's needs should be met before mine because I am a real-life grown-up and it's not all about me. =)

I ramble too much. I know that. ;) The point is, if we follow God, our priorities will fall easily into place. Needs will be met, wants will follow. Joy will capture our hearts and we will find an attitude of gratitude. Prayers for health and thanksgiving are abundant, and so are our blessings. =)

get on the sleep train

All aboard! Once you hop on, there's no stopping the Sleep Train! Sleep training? For who? Adam, his mama, or his dada? Last week, bedtime was a tense event around here. Adam's typical bedtime routine was in place for a few months. I firmly believe that children of all ages need routine, so when Adam was upset it was his cue to me that it was not working for him anymore. The times are approximate, we're flexible around Adam's needs.

5:00: supper when Adam acts hungry (supper usually consists of protein, grains, and veggies)

5:30: wrangle the tot in an effort to get him in the bath, followed by a game of chase-the-naked-baby-who's-running-around-the-house-playing-his-favorite-game-of-catch-the-tot-before-he-pees-where-you-don't-know-it-even-happened

6:00 after more chasing, wrangling, wrestling, laughing, lotioning, singing, diapering, tickling, more chasing, and dressing him, Adam plays for a while to burn the fumes off. We read 2 or 3 books (or more if he's in the mood to sit with us).

7:00 I ask Adam if he wants to nurse and he runs to me panting, staring at my chest and smiling, and wriggles his way into my lap. Or he runs from me because he knows what's gonna happen after he nurses. This is when I can relax, knowing he's slowing down. Sometimes he falls asleep right after or during nursing, usually not.

7:30 at the latest: Time for bed. We turn on music and the fan/noise machine. We offer Adam a pacifier if he's chewing on his fingers. Sometimes he accepts, other times he pushes it away or grabs it and chucks it across the room with zeal (yeah, that's the adjective: zeal...). We used to hold Adam while we rocked in the recliner or bounced on the exercise ball until he fell asleep. He's getting big so this had to change soon. Now after we rock for a few minutes and say our bedtime prayer, we lay him in his crib. IF he cries/whines, it lasts about a minute before he is humming himself to sleep.

Last week, 7:30 turned into the worst hour (or more) of the day. I do not want bedtime to be a struggle. I love going to bed and relaxing. I'd like to break Adam of the idea that his crib is a place to scream and sob, rather it's a place to relax and be calm and feel well. What we did has worked in the past, but the key was to attempt it only when I know he is healthy and all of his needs are met, especially when I know I can give him a routine at home for several days in a row. Tim and I had to be mentally prepped for it, and on the same page about what we want for Adam

Sunday night, I put Adam in his crib with his blankey and a smooch. With music and fan on, I looked at the clock and decided that in 20 minutes I would go soothe him. It didn't happen, though, because he was sleeping when the timer read 19:34. Adam slept like a partied-out rock star, and woke up out of habit (so I nursed him) at about 2 and 6. He slept until 8:30. The following day he cried out his nap times for 4 minutes each time, and the second night of crying it out (CIO) he cried about 8 minutes. The best part was that he slept for 10 hours straight that night, in his crib. That means I slept for 8 hours straight. YAHOO!!!

What do I think of the CIO method? It works. It sucks for 2 or 3 nights if you are alone, but with support it is bearable. And it is worth it for everyone in the house. Tim is not a fan of making Adam CIO, especially after an intense bonding weekend where the boys didn't even leave the house except to walk the dog. Tim thinks it is a cruel and senseless form of punishing a baby into passing out after sobbing to the breaking point of exhaustion. Tim and I talked it over and agreed that we needed to try it for a week to see how Adam responded. We follow Adam's lead after we give him direction.

I wanted needed a break after more than a year of nursing Adam to sleep. I want this to be a God-driven family-centered household with a baby-led schedule/routine, where the needs of my child are met first. I felt like it was worth trying to see how he would respond, and if he responded appropriately and learned that bedtime means business, he was ready and I wasn't pushing him.

With Adam being sick on and off for the last 10 weeks with 4 ear infections (one being a double ear infection, a double-whammy that is), hand-foot-mouth disease (HFMD), and teething, my concern for making sure Adam breastfeeds when he wants it has been more important that my own sleep schedule. Yes, readers, my 14.5-month-old is still a breastfed baby. Well, toddler... That's a topic for another day. I'm trying to stay focused here. :) Adam's sleep habits have also been interrupted by a trip we made 2 weekends ago out to Tim's parents' house near Wausau and family gatherings that meant lots of road time and late nights. With illness after illness, inconsistent surroundings, and no set bedtime, we all suffered.

The stress, the heart-wrenching sobs of the baby, the emotional roller-coaster of desperation for sleep and sadness that your baby needs you... ugh!! Exhausted myself, I had to decide for myself (because Tim didn't want to do this "to" him): it was time for Adam to cry it out. He is healthy, old enough, and tired. It was worth it to have 2 difficult nights for us to know that Adam now whines (not even crying) for about 30 seconds before he is sleeping. Bedtime is no longer a fight, and Adam sleeps through the night for 5-10 hour stretches. That alone tells me 2 big things: he needs to sleep through the night, and he does not need to nurse in the middle of the night.

I have to say, I thought the CIO method was mean and unloving. Adam understands right from wrong, so he also understands that when he sees me walk into his room when he cries, he is about to get his way. As soon as I picked him up the crying stopped - no exaggeration. Talk about frustrating! Just because it worked with Adam and us does not mean it will work for everyone. All parents need to be on board because if someone does it differently the kiddo will be confused and misery will ensue. I can't imagine going through it without Tim's support. We weren't sitting on the couch holding hands through it. In fact, Tim was so upset he had to leave the house and I worked while I kept an eye on the clock.

I pray for support for single parents and for kids who don't know what a routine is. I pray for sleep for kids who need it and parents who need a break. What are your thoughts on sleep-training?