bedtime

I love my life. It's quirky, sad, hilarious, intense, simple, complicated, and full of blessings. All wrapped up in God's humor.

Bedtime is in full swing here. Emily (who has a cold) is sad because "daddy hurt her feelings" when he told her it was time for nigh' night prayer the minutes ago, so she's sobbing, and Adam is bouncing on the bed. I'm sitting in the living room while their I-love-them-too-much-to-discipline-them daddy "deals with it". I'm doing biiiiiiig faaaaat air quotes on that "deals with it" right there, cuz God knows I'm the one who's dealing with it from half way across the house. and Tim? He says NOTHING to them, even though he's literally laying in bed with them. Some might say it's because I'm too over powering in my parenting approach. I'm intense, I know that. But you know what I say? Those people have never had an exhausted husband "help" with bedtime. The rest of us know he isn't saying anything because (are you ready this?) HE'S SLEEPING. (cue the laughter from the live studio audience, because I think I just saw this last week on an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond). Yeah, I'm irritated. But I'm not mad.

Emily is whimpering and blowing her nose like any three year old (loads of snot all over her nose, in her hair, eyes, eyebrows, across her cheeks and forehead, between her fingers, and some on the tissue) and Adam is doing a handstand against the wall.

{{Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, in here.}}

Now I'm washing Emily and scolding Adam, and reminding myself that these are the easy years. My kids are so sweet and silly, and any parent who's lost a child too soon would do anything to have this moment I've been given. I'm going insane, but I have all my babies. I do NOT take that for granted.

And I'm actually thinking, "Poor Tim. He's missing it."

Sleep, baby, sleep!

Long days at home, just me and the kids. The house doesn't see improvement projects. The table isn't used for crafts or art. The laundry machines aren't being utilized.

The yard, on the other hand, is littered with toys. The sandbox, pool, and water table are evidence of the tired mama and kiddos inside. Emily was so tired she passed out in my arms at lunch without having a bite. She didn't even nurse, which is unusual for her.

I'm feeling better now that I've had 4 full days of amoxicillin. Amazing what exhaustion does to the mind and body and spirit. With Emily sleeping in the other room now, I'm ready to have my sleep. She's 13.5 months old, and I'm tired. The issue: her nursing at night. I need to spend a couple of weeks giving her the chance to work through some of her night awakening, but that requires my to be awake through her feedings so I can put her back in her crib right away.

I am trying to remind myself that this is temporary. In just a few months she should be sleeping 12 hours straight. Time for me to work on that for both of us!

another random check-in

Boy, have I been in a funk. I'm lonely. I don't have a problem admitting that, but it comes with a stigma that I'm failing at life somehow, somewhere. I don't currently have many close friends. I was close to someone for about a year and a half, until about a month ago when she dropped off the face of the planet. I never see her out. She doesn't respond to my messages. I'm not insecure about why, but understanding her history with depression since losing her son makes me concerned about her. I don't want to overstep my boundaries and show up on her doorstep, and at the same time it seems unsettling to me to just stop hearing from her. :/

Sorry, I'll stop going on about it. It consumes a fair amount of my thoughts lately, especially when I'm at home and have nothing else to focus on. Actually, that's not entirely true. In my loneliness I've come to realize how much I miss my hobbies. I've somewhat reluctantly reclaimed my bedroom; Emily's crib is in Adam's room, or, as we now know it, The Kids' Room. It's exposed a lot of things (I've been ashamed to admit) hiding from the simple fact of denial and procrastination: paperwork and just plain junk. Not to mention the fact that I'm not ready for Emily to be in a room away from me as much as I'm desperate for her to give me space. She nurses a lot at night still. I haven't had her cry it out like I did with Adam. It worked with him and she carried on for an hour and a half at my last feeble attempt.

I digress as that is not where my original thought path intended. In the process of cleaning and moving things, eliminating and discovering things, I'm getting excited to put closet organizers in this house and arrange my room to accommodate my sewing desk. It got me to thinking about all the hobbies I miss. I am getting to the edge of myself here, as you can tell by my long-winded message, and I want to go back to writing. I keep a couple of blogs. One for me, one for Adam, and I'd like to create and keep up with one for Emily. They're journals. I quit doing them when Tim and I hit our muddy low. How do you journal the overwhelming barrage of garbage exploding from a very muddled up and depressed mind in simple ABC's on the internet? You don't. Someone out there might, but not this girl. Best to bury that crud in the past, submitting it to God and moving on. I want to move on from it and I feel ready. Another thing my loneliness has exposed is my need to have a close friend...in my husband. I've been reluctant because of a painful past, but now I'm holding myself back from happiness. Well, no more! My baby is old enough that the fog of motherhood has lifted and I'm eager to get moving. My insomniac mind has only started and It's nearly 11 o'clock. Oh, dear.

On that note, time for a long drowning soak to stifle the sounds of my thoughts. I'm bringing a book with me into the tub. Think I can manage to keep it dry? ;)

Lord, in my eagerness to be joyful, I'm praising you for my loneliness. It is waking me up to the fact that I need Tim as my best friend. It is a gift to realize that friends may come and go but my husband will be with me always (I sure hope!) and I am asking you, God, to fill me with the Holy Spirit so my thoughts, words, and actions can build my relationship with Tim into a best-friendship. In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

Ahhh, naptime!

Ah, naptime.
Blissful, rejuvenating naptime.

I'm going to enforce it as long as I possibly can. I remember taking naps until I was in first grade. I was a child in need of regular sleep and my parents needed me to nap just as much as I did.

Adam has been taking one nap a day since he was about 14 months. Emily naps about 3 times a day. Both are in bed for the night at about8-9pm. I might be a nut for saying this, but I like daylight saving time for one simple reason: we will not change our kids' routine on account of the clock so they will be in bed between 7-8. Sounds good to me!

As for daytime naps, noon will be it for Adam come day in November. I sometimes nap, too, and today is one of those days. I've not been feeling great lately, so I nap. Off I go! :)

Today

It's been so long, I'm not even gonna attempt playing catch-up. I'm just going to jump in and journal about my day for a few minutes.

Currently, Tim & I are back with our counselors intermittently. Things for us aren't awful but they're not great. Such is the ebb and flow of life, eh?

Adam is a typical 2.5-year-old boy. He's constantly talking, noisy, making messes and asking why. It's been annoying in the last two days, but that's part of being home with him all day, every day. We ran out of sposies for him so he's in cloth like Emily. This ought to light a fire under me about making him some woolies. Thank goodness for my new sewing machine! :-D

Emily is a very happy 2.5-month-old. She eats like a champ and sleeps great at night (not every night, but I cannot complain). She smiles and laughs easily, and has a cool temper. I love cloth-diapering her. She has introduced me to an amazing network of women that I hope she can be a part of someday.

Myself? Well, I'm still under the employ of Farmers. I'm still on maternity leave but I need to get back to work. I'm involved in our local MOPS group and I try to get out with the kids frequently. Man, that's tough. I'm loving my new HTC One cell phone and playing with snap chat.

On a more personal level, I'm lonely, doubtful, and some other things the devil loves. I'm delving more into my relationship with Christ and getting a little more brave about doing His work. Our current Bible study at church is fine, but I'm getting more from the Beth Moore study on James with the women's group. I need something intense with all the mundane in my life. Oh, this season is exhausting and I feel overwhelmingly blessed by it.

Hope to check in for a few minutes every day at least and jot down a couple worthwhile notes about daily life. More to come...

Lamentations

Today in Bible Study, the topic of discussion was the fall of Israel, in a time at which the people had been so horribly sinful that our God of Hope said there was no remedy for them. The people were so desperately lost that even God recognized no way for His own chosen people to be saved. That terrifies me that we can fall so far away from Him that He won't take us back.

There have been situations in my life and marriage that I felt there were no remedy, no hope, no chance for revival. Lamentations, the book of the Bible written by Jeremiah, was written about that desolate time in Israel's history. The word lament is defined at dictionary.com as “to feel or express sorrow or regret for”. It's a book written in the depths of despair and pain. So many of my own journals have been lamentations.

My favorite part of Jeremiah's Lamentations is where the author writes in chapter 3, verses 21-23, “...and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

The people of Israel did evil in the eyes of God, generation after generation after generation. They hardly ever got it right. They screwed up to the point that God let them be destroyed except for a few of them. God let those few live so they would remember what happened and could warn future generations. Sounds familiar.

Our generation is blessed to have the generation who grew up during The Great Depression. Those folks have a lot to teach our spoiled and coddled generation. It is up to us, however, to be resilient enough to learn from them instead of making those same avoidable mistakes ourselves. One of my favorite sayings is “Life is too short to make your own mistakes; learn from others' and save yourself some time and heartache.”

I find myself thanking God for the trails of others and the gift of resiliency, that I might learn from the hardships of others and in acknowledging God for them, He will make my paths straight. I thank God for bringing those people into my life, and I thank Him for bringing me to life through them. God is so good!

these are the moments

Here I sit, working on a Saturday night. I am feeling so blessed right now that I want to write it down so I can read it when I need to, or look back on it over time and smile.

I'm working while the Packers take on the 49ers in the NFL Playoffs. Nikki texted me just a moment ago, encouraging me to listen to another moving Eagle Brook Church sermon and I'm about to fire up another podcast about getting my daily dose of God. Good stuff! How blessed am I to have a friend who has the wellbeing of my heart and soul on her mind.

Adam fell asleep in my arms after a day of family time at home. Tim is such a good daddy for him and Adam adores him for it. Tim and I do nigh' night prayer with Adam and I give Adam snuggles and lay him down for him to fall asleep on his own. Tonight, though, my sweet boy nuzzled in and fell asleep in my arms (a rarity these days), so I treasured it and snapped a picture with my phone. I am so blessed to have God's confidence in raising His children!

Tim's in the basement practicing his guitar for tomorrow's worship service at church. We're excited to enjoy lunch with our Pastor's family and another family after the service tomorrow. We love our church family and are so blessed to be involved with a great church just 2 miles from where we live! And what an honor to have been invited to our Pastor's home!

Today I posted a pic on Facebook of Adam wearing his “big brother” shirt and it's been a hit with nearly 90 likes and 50 comments. I am feeling the love! Our friends and family, regardless of how close we are to them, are lifting us up and I'm truly humbled by it. We're so blessed to have so many people who care about us!

I hope we can remember to honor God always, even when we don't feel like it or are falling and failing in life. Something I've been meditating on this week has been Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Let that bless us as we put our faith in the one true place where it will never fail. Praise God for that!

exciting news and a failed date

First of all, my exciting news is that Tim, Adam, and I will be welcoming a baby to our family in July. Yay!

I'm doing fine - exhausted all the time and nauseous quite a bit, so normal. Don't make me think about it. The good news is that I'm losing weight this holiday season. ;-)

2 nights ago I was surprised to learn from Tim that he arranged for Mom to watch Adam tonight so we could enjoy a date. Nice!

Maybe I should have said no to eating, though.

Morning sickness is not cool. I couldn't use my nose at the restaurant. I couldn't make eye contact with the menu or the salad bar. I couldn't stomach even saying what I wanted out loud, so Tim had to order for me. I told Tim to stop talking about his food on more than one occasion. And on the way home I snuggled with a garbage can on my lap.

I thanked my husband for the date, then apologized for it. Then I said maybe another date that doesn't involve food? We can eat together in a couple months.

This means my 9-week-old baby is 1 inch long from head to rump, has fingers and toes, can move around on its own, and is doing a good job of keeping Mommy's hormones surging enough to make me sick. I know I am blessed! :-)

Winding Down 2012

Christmas is a week from today. A year ago, we were getting ready to take Adam in for hypospadias repair surgery. Adam turned a year old 8 months ago (already!), and 4 months ago my marriage came to a screeching halt. This is why I haven't been posting my blogs for quite some time (I've been saving my journals but not sharing them simply because they're personal).

I am sitting here looking at photos for our "Christmas" card/photo collage and wondering where the last year went. I know it will only get crazier as we add more exciting chaos to our lives and these feelings will only duplicate themselves next year and in the years to follow. I also know that as our family is growing stronger all the time, God's guiding hand will lead Tim and me to a marriage that's better than I can imagine.

In September, Tim and I went through a marital crisis that changed our lives forever. We have been shown tremendous grace and forgiveness by God, and through that we are able to love each other the way God intends us to. We still have a lot of learning to do, and I am excited for the next steps as I work to become a better person based on God's Word. I can't recommend Cornerstone Counseling enough for the incredible truths they've impressed upon our family.

Our marriage stumbled and fell and although we were 2 broken people, we picked up the pieces and we're managing to put them together in a different way to  build a family. We owe all of our healing to Christ. Tim and I have become devoted to God, our marriage, and our family in our Christian lives, instead of just being absent members of the church down the road and vacant members of the family in this house.

As I think about 2012 coming to a close, I look back and think about how far we have all come in this last year: Adam went from sitting, swaddled, and babbling to running, talkative, and opinionated; Tim and I went from frayed and miserable to healing and Christian. It's God's grace that brought us here, and for that I owe Him my life. God has blessed us through our pain and He brought us to a place of joy and peace. We've heeded this Proverb tremendously: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight."

As I think about 2013, I am praying for the fruits of the Spirit to continue to work in myself and Tim. We're in for our best year yet!

this pain is all too real

Please pray for my sister, Ilisa. We should all be moved to pray for each other more often, if for no other reason than to bless each other's day. But when illness takes such a physical toll, the emotional and sometimes spiritual tolls that lie beneath that can be compared to the mass of ice below the surface of water with icebergs, because we can't feel the pain others feel. We can't feel the toll it's taking in the lives of the suffering. The toll gets overwhelming and it's no wonder people who suffer chronically from mysterious diseases are distracted, sad, hurt, angry, desperate, lonely, despaired, and hopeless. Ilisa's journey through intestinal hell is taking a toll. I'm scared for her, and I'm asking you to join me in praying for our Lord's healing touch on her.

My message to Ilisa tonight clings to scripture, because when I don't know what else to say, I let God say it for me through His Word:

Sometimes it doesn't feel real enough to know we are loved by our Mighty Healer because of the all-too-real pain of the trials He allows us to endure. The Lord is working through you in so so so many ways and he has great plans for you. I pray for you. I have wondered myself at times if my prayers are enough, and it's easy to think, "I wish I could help you, but all I can do is pray."

Prayer is powerful. Be bold in your prayers because our Lord supersedes nature and can do anything. I am asking God to take your sickness from you, once and for all, and to deliver you from your pain, your doubt, the bondage of illness that is holding you back from enjoying your life like you could. I am praying for you to feel that relief from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, at this very moment. You have had enough. It's your turn to be done with being sick and it's time for you to heal. If you have more people praying for you, that petition will be heard. Where two or more are gathered in the Holy Spirit, He simply cannot ignore that. I know you have more than a few people praying and petitioning for you, and He will work in His own time, but He is not ignoring us.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Philippians 4:5b-7 The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 21:21-22 Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Matthew 18:19-20 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

WHAM! or is it WAHM?

Working at home is not easy (for me, anyway). I'm not complaining (I realize how blessed I am!); I am recognizing the fact that my personality is a tough one to wrangle and tame when it comes to staying on task and getting the momentum to get any substantial work done. I do data entry online for an insurance company that's located about 2 hours from my home, for a boss whom I've never met.

I get most of my work done after Adam goes to bed. The tough thing for me is to be disciplined enough to walk away from the hundred other things I'd like to get done, as is a general urge of moms when children go to bed (aside from the urge to collapse into bed). I can't think of anything more difficult to resist than the motivational surge of energy that springs forth from the peace of a quiet house at the end of the day. The last thing I want to do is sit on the couch and work because it's easy to get distracted online and because it's easy to fall asleep at my "desk".

I'd like to just clean up the toy tornado that swept through the living room, detoured into my bedroom, and ended in Adam's room after pulling the books off the shelf. It will only take 4 minutes.

I want to quickly clean up the dishes so I don't have to face that first thing in the morning when I'm trying to pry my eyes open to clearly see what I'm attempting to do with the coffee maker. This should only take 3 minutes. Tops. 

If I can just straighten up the paper piles, and kinda sort them into mine-to-be-filed, Tim's-to-be-filed, to-be-dealt-with-by-Friday, and other random papers that float around this house... it will look so much more tidied up than just clearing out the sink. 2 minutes is all. 

If I could do a simple inventory of stuff we need that I recognized should go on a shopping list but I was too distracted to write it down, those 3 minutes will make tomorrow go smoother after an ultra efficient trip to the store. Ready, GO!

The book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie is a humorous book about the comic life of a critter who's in over his head. I like to tell people I'm that mouse. I get so distracted, and I take forever to never finish everything I've ever started. Does that make sense? :o)

Tomorrow I am holding myself accountable for a few of those things. I will update my daily schedule that has proven to be dysfunctional. I will catch up on my daily printables project that I assigned myself. But, perhaps the most important part of this is the necessity to spend more time devoted to God's Word and less time being a lazy bum thinking about the fact that if I was really the mouse I'd've gotten a cookie out of the deal. ;o)

halt

Just a quick thought as I head to bed: I can't describe how important it is to know HALT. One of the things my sponsor taught me several years ago was to know yourself and to be true to thine own self.

We are constantly challenged by the entropy of our bodies: if we don't take care of our minds, bodies, and spirits, we will literally die. When we are feeling off, it's usually because we are hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired. We need to halt, figure out what is throwing us off, and take care of it.

I'm exhausted. I'm easily angered, especially when I'm tired. I need to know myself and take care of myself. Why is this so hard for mommies to do? yawn

I'm looking forward to tomorrow: church and family. Church family and family. Nice. How blessed I feel!

upside-down, and the up side of Down

Tim, Adam, and I joined the Step Up for Down Syndrome event over the weekend. We went to support my sister and her family, including 2-year-old Calvin John. Cal was diagnosed with Down syndrome after a startling 20-week ultrasound appointment and follow-up amniocentesis. I just read what I wrote and it doesn't feel right to summarize Calvin and Ilisa's story into a sentence like that. Read more about that story here.



Me and Calvin
9/30/2012

The last few weeks have been life-changing for me (and Tim). After a discovery of epic nightmarish proportions (not going there right now, maybe not ever) I can't help but think about the events that can change a person in a matter of seconds, moments, weeks... It's enlightening and disgusting, encouraging and scary. When the world as you "know" it becomes life as you knew it, I can't help but wonder what people who do not have God in their hearts and lives do to survive. How do they cope??

After nearly a month of reevaluating what seems like every single angle of my life, I am consistently and happily brought to God at every glance and meditation. I have gone to Him in prayer more than I ever imagined I would. He is so prominent in my life that I feel Him moving me. He moves my thoughts, words, and actions. My sponsor through The Program has taught me, above all, to be true to my self. I didn't mistype that: my self, not myself. In being true to my self, I allow God to work my self for His glory, because my self is His self in the sense that I'm here to do His bidding. Hello, Jesus freak! :oP

Prayer has become my lifeline to my life source. Even in the middle of the night when I get up to nurse Adam, I find I'm talking to God, thanking Him for the blessings of hearing Adam, breast milk, interrupted sleep on account of the fact that I am blessed to have Adam, my healthy and precious baby, humming fans, the snoring dog, and even my husband who takes no time at all to sprawl across the bed. Figures. Amazing how three weeks ago I honestly searched my heart for reasons to stay married. After stepping into a trap and being yanked from the floor beneath my feet and jolted and turned upside-down in a heart-wrenching tribulation, I was left with nothing but a choice.

The choice came down to one thing: God. I don't think my sister would disagree that in the moments of disbelief and heartbreak, it's not so much about the choice of how to handle it, but with whom. I've always considered myself a Christian, but I didn't ever know Christ. I didn't know love. I didn't know peace. Now that I know God and His Son, I know faith, hope, and love. I've been poring over Galatians 5 and 1 Corinthians. I've found myself addicted to Proverbs, desperately scouring scripture for answers, keys, and commands.

When I imagine the emotional turmoil Ilisa experienced when her baby was discovered to have heart defects, my heart feels a big, dull ache. I walked with my family and hundreds of strangers and let my soul empathize with parents, grandparents, guardians and caretakers of the people we love and care for, the people who feel that heartbreaking jolt after hearing there could be something wrong with their baby.

My appreciation for the relationship between God and the caretakers of anybody with special needs is profound. If it wasn't for the "bad"/challenges in our lives, we wouldn't have a reason to need God. Well played, big man upstairs, well played. :oD It's the up side of the downs in our lives, cuz when we hit our bottom the only place we can look is up. And in the case of the event over the weekend, being drawn together to feel camaraderie with others who live with the blessing of someone with Down syndrome, we can say it's the up side of Down. See what I did there? Clever, eh? ;o)

My prayer is simple: I beg God to do what it takes to bring us nearer to Him for the glory of His Kingdom. Romans 8 is full of promise. It's offensively real and I'm humble after accepting the words that speak to me. I hope the Holy Spirit continues to move me and make me feel alive in God. To thine own self be true, and not for my glory, but for our Lord who sent His only begotten Son for each of us.

----------------------

My focus in the Lord in the past 3 weeks has been through these works:

Romans 8
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13
Eggerichs: Love and Respect
The Story, chapters 1-3
numerous blogs, including Time-Warp Wife and The Hesitant Housewife
podcasts in the "Truly, Madly, Deeply... Stuck" series by Eagle Brook Church
The Program

something Mexican

You know I'm not much for cooking or baking, so I'm sharing another 10-minutes-of-effort meal. Tim requested “something Mexican” for supper this week. I think he was expecting ye ol' ground beef tacos.

I'm bored with that.

Instead, I threw together a recipe I deduced from a frozen meal-share effort my sister organized nearly a year ago. A friend of hers made Mile-High Tortilla Pie. It was yummy and seemed easy enough, so I tried to duplicate it tonight to satisfy Tim's “something Mexican” craving. The only difference between mine and AJ's recipes is the addition of chicken in mine.
____________

Boil and chop 2 chicken breasts.
Preheat oven to 350.
Oil the bottom of a deep pan (I used a 5-quart pan).

Make 4 Layers:
soft flour tortilla (chimichanga tortillas are the best size)
salsa (1 large jar)
black beans (2 10-oz cans)
chicken (2 breasts, chopped)
cheese, divided into 5 even parts (1.5 pounds of cheddar with taco seasoning mixed in)

After 4 layers, top the pie with a flour tortilla and sprinkle with remaining cheese. Bake 45 minutes. Makes 4 BIG servings. Reheat leftovers in the oven to keep it crispy. Enjoy!

No-Nap Land

For any parent ever, the results of no nap is not cool sucks. Adam napped for 5 minutes in my arms yesterday around his usual lunchtime/noon nap time. The reason he didn't nap? We were not at home. We were at my aunt and uncle's house, 2.5 miles away from home. He nursed and passed out. Yes, I am still nursing my nearly 1.5-year-old. Maybe I'll blog about that next time. It depends on if I wanna face the freak show our society has turned a natural source of providing nutrients to our babies and toddlers.

*calm down, Kathryn!*
*sigh*

Anyway, you see what happens? Mama gets a little crazy in the 24 hours that follow a toddler who should be napping who, instead, bolts upright in the unfamiliar, noisy play-yard and smiles around repeating, "Hi! Hi!" No nap for Adam meant that I was playing with him, dealing with him, helping him, shaking him off my legs, and tolerating him for about 12 hours yesterday. Be the end of the day, when I sat on the couch immediately after he had supper and climbed on me wanting my chips and apple salsa, I had enough. I bit my tongue and forced myself to tickle him to the point of hysterical laughter.

I threw that kid in the tub and got his bedtime routine going like there was a fire under my butt. He gave me a break and played good in the tub for about 10 minutes. He stood up and signed "all done", and while I dried him off and snuggled him up, I told him that I love him. My patience was waning for about an hour at that point. I told myself, "He doesn't get why I'm frustrated, so get over it and enjoy this sweet boy." And I did. I closed my eyes, stuffed my nose in his hair, and took a whiff of my baby. It's something I have always done when I'm frustrated or upset with him. He went to bed and was sleeping at 7:30. He didn't sleep through the night, but he slept okay. He's healthy and happy, thanks to God's gracious love.

For parents out there with more than one child, I already don't know how you do it. I'll have my turn someday, but when naps don't happen at the same time, I hope you at least make those kiddos rest or sit quietly so you get a break. My mom called it "Silence for Sanity". How in the world did my parents (especially Mom) not destroy us (I'm one of S.E.V.E.N.)? I don't know. I'll never know unless I have 7 kids, so I guess it will remain a mystery. ;o)

God's blessings to moms and dads when your children nap (or don't) that you might find a way to recharge as the madness ensues around you. And God bless your kids that they might give their deserving parents a much-needed chance to return to zero and breath easy. *sigh* :o)

fall-like friday

As far as I'm concerned, fall is here. The wind is blowing leaves off of trees, and relatively chilly rain is falling. Time to dress cozy and bake something with pumpkin! Fall is fast becoming my favorite season, compared with my love of summer a few years ago (before Adam, while I was either in college or teaching).

As fall rolls in and school starts, this seems like the perfect time to create a schedule. As I attempt to find balance in my life, I am facing the things head-on that have been holding me back. I printed a weekly schedule and dedicated each weekday to a couple of chores. I have been researching and learning about student loan repayment options. Adam has been enjoying a tidier house to play in and a happier mama (for the most part). I have a couple of phone calls to make today and some stuff to mail, but other than that I have the reassured feeling of having my ducks in a row.

Next week, Adam and I will have a schedule. It's only going to be rigidly followed when we're home for the whole day. It's so easy to be a slug when you're home day after day after day after day... The walls close in and the mundane daily tasks that are so simple are waved off until "later". You know what that means: insanity and stress are about to set in.

Inevitably, "later" would stumble in like a puking drunk after about 4 days of complacency (yes, the dishes, vacuuming, and laundry sat that long, sometimes longer). Like the puking drunk, it stunk, was ugly, nobody wanted to touch it or approach it, and cleaning up after it was a task full of resentment and unkind words.

Yuck. :o(

It seems so obvious, but if I just keep up, I won't have to play catch up and be overwhelmed. It feels like so many days Tim walks in the door and asks what Adam and I have been up to and I can't even say I've gotten dressed or showered. How does that happen?? Well, I am not going to pretend to enjoy doing the dishes, or find joy in scrubbing the toilets. Ever. But you can bet I'll be reminding myself that I should be thankful for dirty dishes because it means we have food in our house.

Phil 4:6 reads, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Someone please tell me why I should be thankful for scrubbing toilets. Ha!


Here's what my weekdays will consist of:

Monday: floors (sweep, mop, vacuum)
Tuesday: bathrooms and laundry
Wednesday: the big 3 (because of how our house is laid out): kitchen, dining room, and living room; next week's menu
Thursday: grocery shopping and rotate toys
Friday: groom Sophie (bathe and brush) and vacuum

If When I get off-schedule, I'll catch up the next day. Each morning has time set aside for walks with Sophie and Adam. Adam's naps are dedicated to reading the Bible and Internet time (blogging and playing). My work for my insurance job (approximately 10-12 hours/week) will be done after Adam is in bed each night except on weekends. Bible studies are Wednesday night, and Sunday mornings (with church service to follow on Sundays). That should keep us adhered to a decent routine, which makes for happy Mommy and Adam.

As I proofread this post, I realize how lame my life sounds. I can't really argue with that, but we manage to stay busy and with some guidance our hearts are kept full and happy. :) Here's to a happy weekend, and looking forward to a new take on being a work-at-home mom. Now to print off that pumpkin recipe and get baking to really get me in the fall spirit.

getting on track

Following up on last night's tired and overwhelmed post, I've had a cup of coffee and I've gotten a couple of things done. I'm feeling a teensy bit accomplished and feeling purposeful brings a great deal of joy to me (anyone, really).

I am a financial fool (just ask my patient husband) and am drowning in my numbers: school loans are sitting stale, starting to rot and stink. The looming cloud of student debt is a huge factor in my attitude these days. I feel the cultural pull of work, and the personal and family push of paying off my decade-old decisions. Part of my agenda today is to assess the decision to go back to work. I haven't talked to Tim about this yet, and that discussion usually goes the same direction every time we have it. (It's nothing new around here). Tim supports me staying home with Adam, financially and otherwise. I need to keep addressing this, though, because I won't stay home forever.

With my energy and better outlook this morning, I am facing the source of my discouragement and I'm asking God for grace as I make calls to my lenders and sort things out. I worked on my budget this morning, and I made a schedule of times to spend blogging, budgeting, working, READING THE WORD, and with family (including church). One day at a time! ;)

I need to draw nearer to God. The reasons are boundless and it's easy to do. With the new church calendar is a new Sunday School calendar, and classes start on Sunday. Worship services are Wednesday nights. I will surround myself with those who love God, and the pieces will fall into place. I need to busy myself with positive things, and get back to the basics: purpose-filled people are happy.

It's 11:30, and blogging time is done! :D Happy Wednesday, and thank you for the thoughts and prayers!

constantly seeking balance

I'm not sure I even want to publish this, but I need to write to get this crud outta my head.

When I started blogging it was to give G's mama a glimpse into her day to help her feel like she could be with her baby girl, even at full-time work. I can see why some parents wouldn't care, but I would love that if it was my situation, and her parents enjoyed it. Then I started another blog because it occurred to me how unfair it is for my own kid that I'm journaling about G's days but not Adam's.

Then, like a fool, I started a blog (after I read a dad's blog regarding the fact that his journal wasn't to exploit his family, or to journal about his kids' days; it was for himself as a husband and dad) I thought it would be cool to start a blog for myself. I don't do daycare for G anymore, so that's done. I very sporadically blog on Adam's Day, mostly when I have the energy after an emotional day that I feel is important to get in his "book". Do I spend any time on my own blog? Nope. I don't even check other blogs anymore. The honeymoon's over.

Why do I do this to myself?? I drive myself crazy!!!! I read something today that described exactly what I am doing, and it scared me. It was me to a frickin' T, in a bad way. I don't want to be this way because it's like I'm sinking my own boat, on purpose, and like a psychotic maniac, can't get enough and refuse to stop. Why wouldn't I stop my own personal crazy cycle (like the one I learned about in Eggerichs' Love & Respect)? Why can't I get this under control?

Because as much as I know how, I don't remember how. I NEED TO RETURN TO GOD.

I feel like a hamster who hopped on a wheel to go for a walk and is now running like mad, and I want so badly to get off of this damned wheel because it's spinning out of control, but I don't know how to stop myself, and I'm exhausted and don't get anything done! Then I think about it from an outsider's view. Anyone can see that I just need to slow down a little bit at a time until the wheel's stopped and I can just step off and back into the world.

All weekend (full of family time, spousal frustrations, and toddler sleeping like junk as he cuts his 3rd and 4th molars) I realized that this is all in my own hands. The thoughts keep ringing in my head:

Find balance. (with God)
Go back to the Lord and walk the straight and narrow. (return to God)
Quit asking questions and look for simple answers. (focus on God)
These choices are in my hands. (make God-centered choices)

I recognize consciously that I don't want to go out and do anything. I'm holing myself up, and I don't want to socialize. I've been really negative and it's been hard not to make emotional choices. Why? I know I need balance and I need to be reminded how to find it.

I read an article tonight that connected my thoughts and my actions. I am a WAHM, and that is no reason to feel like I shouldn't still have a schedule. The lack of structure I have for myself is unnerving because I function best on routine, as most of us do. Being home all the time has led me to become complacent and depressed.

First thing in the morning (because it's after midnight now, and I'm not dealing with anything but sleep tonight!) I'm printing a weekly schedule and filling it in, starting with church events, work, time with The Program, and dates with and away from Adam with others who I miss so much. I need to get on track and get my life in order for Tim and Adam. I want to be the wise wife who builds her home, not the foolish one who tears her own home down by her own folly. I need to stay Christ-centered, and I need Christ to find balance. I feel like a failure and it's time to change that. I want to be the wise wife who builds up my family, starting with God, then Tim and Adam.

When the hamster on the wheel realizes it's spinning outta control, it has to slow down gradually or it will be tossed about like a rag doll.With God's grace I won't get tossed about when I stop the crazy cycle, rather I'll fall in step with my boys and those around me.

I need to find joy and hope around me so my boys have fuller lives. Starting with sweet dreams... Good night.

seconds, anyone? thirds, perhaps?

<p>I don't like to cook. The mood never strikes me. </p>
<p>Ever.</p>
<p>So anytime I can take a food prep shortcut, I'm interested. Moreover, when I take a shortcut, and it turns out this great, I am psyched!</p>
<p>The only thing I like about food is eating it. I'm sure this is the result of cultural and traditional influence. Americans spend the least amount of time preparing and consuming food in the world. I also grew up in a house with seven siblings, so Mom didn't have the time to spend on food prep (and I don't think she really enjoyed cooking).</p>
<p>A couple of weeks ago, Mom gave me a recipe for chicken pot pie cups (linked here) that I adapted to an even easier recipe. I didn't think they were gonna be as delicious as they are. I didn't season these at all, and, even though I have rather bland taste, I liked these as much as the recipe I've used in the past (linked here).</p>
<p>Tim was shocked that I cooked, and surprised at the outcome because I regularly fail in the kitchen. Seriously, one morning after I made him breakfast as a thank-you for working so hard to allow me to be a SAHM, he told me something to the effect of, &#8220;Katie, you don't have to make breakfast for me. I appreciate that you tried, though.&#8221; I asked him if it was that bad, and he asked if it would hurt my feelings if he didn't finish his food. I said no, and we laughed hysterically. He said maybe I could thank him with sex. I laughed even harder, and he left for work in tears (not the happy kind).</p>
<p>I hope you enjoy them as much as we did! By the way, I realize how much healthier this could be, but I don't really care. Ha!! :D</p>
<p>~~~~~~~~~~</p>
<p>Ingredients<br>
1 can of homestyle biscuits (I love Pillsbury's)<br>
1 can of cream of chicken soup<br>
1 can of chicken (I love Hormel's)<br>
1 bag of frozen mixed vegetables
1 cup of shredded cheddar cheese
</p>
<p>Preheat the oven to 400&#176;.<br>
Split the biscuits in half, and gently spread them just enough to form a cup when placed in a muffin pan (I highly recommend stoneware for even cooking).<br>
Mix the chicken, vegetables, and soup in a large bowl and drop into the biscuit-lined cups.
Bake 17-20 minutes
Makes 16 cups

a weak effort to wrangle my thoughts into writing

I intended for this blog to be a journal of sorts, so here's one of my random updates and sleepy rambles. Thanks for reading. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stay at home with my tot. Adam is 15 months old and is such a boy in the ways we expect boys to be: if it has wheels and a motor he's interested. His excitement and joy for simple wonders are unbounded. It's one of those times I realize how in love I am with him. We've been home for about 2 weeks (in the sense that we haven't been gone for a night and we've had a pretty steady routine going on) and it's been great. Adam's sleep habits turned from unacceptable and needy, up every 2 hours (yes, at 14 months old) to self-soothing and sleeping through the night (for stretches of 8-12 hours). Nice!

Yesterday I brought Adam to River Falls to have a sleepover at Chrissy & Mike's apartment. We enjoyed our stay and it made me think back to last year at this time when we would have 2-3 nights at Chrissy's apartment every other week. So many things have changed. Last summer, Chrissy had a roommate other than Mike who wasn't there when we visited. Adam wasn't mobile so he slept right on Chrissy's bed or on the recliner chair. Tim didn't care that Adam and I were gone for so long; actually, Tim liked it. Lots of other things have changed, too.

Chrissy and I have been through a lot in the last year. A lot! Most of all, I realized last night how much I miss Chrissy. It was great hanging out and being able to spend time with Mike and Chrissy. When I got home today I was chatting with my cousin Hailee about wedding plans. When I hung up the phone Tim asked if Mike and Chrissy were getting married. Nope, but we agreed that we wouldn't be surprised if they got engaged soon. =)

It was a nice time, and I'm looking forward to another sleepover with them in early August. A campus visit will be on the agenda because I saw loads of messes and projects of the construction sort in progress. I love the city of River Falls and there are lots of people in my prayers that I don't even know the names of who are from there. It was a couple of days that made me realize I need to keep my family close and my spirit in tune with God. I'm counting my blessings tonight!