Yes, I'm still here. I'm put off by the fact that some jackal hacked my blog, and the thought of blogging hasn't thrilled me in the least. I need to get over it, so here I am. I'll check in more and try to use this space better than I have.
Summer has definitely settled on us. I am 100% excited for all the things I listed in a previous post, and I am also 100% overwhelmed by how busy I've kept in the last 2 weeks. The house is a disaster and it will not get better for the Norwex party I very stupidly (smacking my forehead repeatedly) scheduled for Thursday (we are going to Tim's parents' the next morning for the weekend for a fam reunion, and tenting it). So I'm panicking slightly. As soon as I post this, I am making lists of the stuff I need to get done, the calls and emails I need to take care of, and the heap I need to pack for the Shootin' The Bull reunion (yup, that's what it's called).
I am a chronic list-maker-not-follow-through-er. For someone like me, the point of making the list is to get my frantic thoughts on paper to try to make sense of them in a frenzied effort to chill myself out, but not necessarily to do anything about them. I love listing things. When I am trying (for any God-forsaken reason) to stay awake, I make a list. Sometimes I make lists of lists. Usually I leave them laying around and I tune them out. After all, they only serve to remind me what I have not gotten done.
I waste a lot of paper. And time. And then I remember how freaked out I am about how little time I have and then I tell myself to GET OVER IT AND JUST TAKE CARE OF THINGS!!
Speaking of, I gotta go...
:-)
Monday, June 18, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
untitled
my thoughts are all over the place. i have quotes to do so this is gonna be quick, although i don't know what direction i want this thought to go. i'm scattered because i'm tired. i'm tired because Adam was sick for the last day and a half. he was sick and now he's fine and sleeping. it was tough getting him down tonight. Tim was outside selling his mazda while i was inside trying to sleep-train Adam. again. and it makes my head hurt because of his whining and my aching desire to pick him up that i fight and fight. i lost that battle tonight and i'm not sorry. my baby is still a baby. and i'm tired. wait, i said that already...
time to get to work so i can get to bed. tomorrow is the day i go through my wedding pics and order my free 8x8 photo book from shutterfly.com (thank you Ellen!) and praise God it's Friday. off i go.
time to get to work so i can get to bed. tomorrow is the day i go through my wedding pics and order my free 8x8 photo book from shutterfly.com (thank you Ellen!) and praise God it's Friday. off i go.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
roll with the changes
I am making some changes and liking the direction I'm heading. When you think about changes and the feeling is unsettled and uncertain, it's usually not a good sign. I got that feeling when I took a job at a school, and on my first day (after I met some coworkers) went into the teacher's lounge and caught the end of a conversation between 2 married teachers (not to each other) about a lap dance at the last company Christmas party. It was an absolute shit-slide down a slick slope from there. I was literally skipping to my car on my last day after I quit, after my supervisor ignored my thanks for his time and my boss waved me off when I said I came by his office to say good-bye.
The changes I'm about to make are natural and they feel right. I'm a praying woman and I believe that God's plan is simple (though not always easy). I'm quitting daycare for G and picking up more hours with the insurance company I do quotes for. I will line up someone to watch Adam 2 days a week from now until who-knows-when so I can focus on my work. My boss wants me to stay in his district and he's adding me as a staff member because he's happy with the work I've done so far. Yay!!
This is what I went to college for. ;-)
The changes I'm about to make are natural and they feel right. I'm a praying woman and I believe that God's plan is simple (though not always easy). I'm quitting daycare for G and picking up more hours with the insurance company I do quotes for. I will line up someone to watch Adam 2 days a week from now until who-knows-when so I can focus on my work. My boss wants me to stay in his district and he's adding me as a staff member because he's happy with the work I've done so far. Yay!!
This is what I went to college for. ;-)
Friday, May 4, 2012
call me procrastinate kate
I just ate 3/4 of a Jack's pepperoni pizza by myself. I'm satisfied, somewhat ashamed that I don't remember chewing the last 3 slices, and I think I'm done with pizza for a very long time. I ate supper at 5 with Adam. I got him down and he hasn't made a peep (which after the last 24 hours of sore throat sobs is a great relief). It's almost midnight and Tim's out of the state. It's been a looooong day. Supper number two was a high-five to my college days.
I am caught in my struggle with sanity like a handkerchief on a tug rope. I feel like I'm being pulled in a few directions constantly, and yet I don't understand what those directions are because my life is simple. I am a SAHM of a 1yo son; my husband works full-time and comes home to work part-time; my 1yo son hasn't been in the best health, but I certainly know how blessed I am so you won't find me complaining; my desire to be at church frustrates me because I'm not as involved as I'd like to be; I feel bad for my dog who I've been neglecting for over a year because my priorities made a drastic shift; I have an online job (that I should be doing right now, actually); I make a pathetic income and spend a tragic budget.
The list goes on, but that's because I am holding the shovel that's digging the hole around me. I need to set down the shovel and focus. I am overwhelmed by the amount of little stuff around the house that needs to be dealt with before Adam turns 20. Pathetic, I know.
Like a wise friend of mine has inspired me to do, it's time to quit thinking about these things (pinning) and start doing them. Here's the thing... I'll start tomorrow. The Bucky Run is tomorrow, and so is the first Saturday of May (GARAGE SALES!!!!!!!!!!!). Sooooo... I'll make a list of things I want to do tomorrow and I'll start them the day after tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow is church, and visiting with my parents. So maybe I'll budget time for one thing the day after tomorrow, but won't get a really good start until 2 days after tomorrow.
I'll procrastinate tomorrow.
You know the piles and stacks and mountains of papers that are waiting for me in the basement, and in my bedroom, and in my kitchen, and on my table? And the laundry? And the accumulating heap of crap that I plan to sell at a garage sale this summer? And the dishes? And vacuuming? What about time for Sophie? This makes me want to go to bed.
I'll make my list tomorrow. Oh wait, no I won't: tomorrow is 12 minutes away and I haven't started work yet. I'll do it later.
I am caught in my struggle with sanity like a handkerchief on a tug rope. I feel like I'm being pulled in a few directions constantly, and yet I don't understand what those directions are because my life is simple. I am a SAHM of a 1yo son; my husband works full-time and comes home to work part-time; my 1yo son hasn't been in the best health, but I certainly know how blessed I am so you won't find me complaining; my desire to be at church frustrates me because I'm not as involved as I'd like to be; I feel bad for my dog who I've been neglecting for over a year because my priorities made a drastic shift; I have an online job (that I should be doing right now, actually); I make a pathetic income and spend a tragic budget.
The list goes on, but that's because I am holding the shovel that's digging the hole around me. I need to set down the shovel and focus. I am overwhelmed by the amount of little stuff around the house that needs to be dealt with before Adam turns 20. Pathetic, I know.
Like a wise friend of mine has inspired me to do, it's time to quit thinking about these things (pinning) and start doing them. Here's the thing... I'll start tomorrow. The Bucky Run is tomorrow, and so is the first Saturday of May (GARAGE SALES!!!!!!!!!!!). Sooooo... I'll make a list of things I want to do tomorrow and I'll start them the day after tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow is church, and visiting with my parents. So maybe I'll budget time for one thing the day after tomorrow, but won't get a really good start until 2 days after tomorrow.
I'll procrastinate tomorrow.
You know the piles and stacks and mountains of papers that are waiting for me in the basement, and in my bedroom, and in my kitchen, and on my table? And the laundry? And the accumulating heap of crap that I plan to sell at a garage sale this summer? And the dishes? And vacuuming? What about time for Sophie? This makes me want to go to bed.
I'll make my list tomorrow. Oh wait, no I won't: tomorrow is 12 minutes away and I haven't started work yet. I'll do it later.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
nature AND nurture
Adam and I were at Mike and Sarah's for a visit and Sarah and I were recalling Evan calling horses "wheety", with a windy wh- sound, compared to Adam's version "eet-eet". Later, I was visiting with Mom and Ilisa, and we were trying to remember which of the kids used to pull the clean/dirty wheel off the dishwasher like Adam had just done, and why some of the kids didn't. And Dad and I were noticing how Adam is saying "da-doh" similar to Evan's "da-doo", and Adam says "buh buh buh" like David did. When kids are in the same environment and they do different things, or are raised differently and do similar things as other kids, it strikes my curiosity.
We've [likely] all heard of "nature vs. nurture". The Program has me thinking about things differently, sorta like how amazing the world looks to G through the upside-down lens as she sticks her teeny bum in the air with her head on the floor and giggles gleefully at the view between her legs. I'm using the word AND instead of opposition words (but, or, versus, etc.). I'm thinking more along the lines of I love your sounds AND it's time to be quiet cuz you're making me bonkers, or I know you'd rather play than have your diaper changed AND you're gonna just have to lay here and deal with me doing this.
In the same way G looks at the world with a new view, I find myself thinking about the mundane through a new view. It's refreshing. On my way home I was thinking Why can't it be nature AND nurture? Wouldn't it help us raise our kids better if we used the two together?? Much of my mission as a teacher was to help the students learn their learning type. I wanted to know the best way to tailor my lessons to my students and classes. Sometimes I taught the same lesson very differently because my audience was not the same.
Simple enough, right? No! I felt like I had to teach the same thing 8 different times in one class period because I wanted the students to hear the lesson in their own language, if you will. The term "lost in translation" comes to mind. I found that I lost the students' interest if I wasn't speaking at the level of understanding to them all. I got frustrated on a regular basis because I found myself starting at the ground and working my way to the clouds every day. That gets exhausting! With my "spirited" students I felt like I had to dance and shoot off fireworks to keep their attention with the challenge of getting the lesson across. With the gifted students I had to keep their interest and stay a step ahead of them without dumbing the lesson down or the point would be lost and they would end up seeing through me to the chaotic dance I was trying to perform.
I was always tired when I taught.
Always.
When it comes to Adam, my inquisitive, busy toddler, I want to give him the space to learn on his own and I want to nurture his curiosity by sharing the wonder of the simple things in life with him. I want to be there for every new word, association, and revelation. I also want to get out of his face enough to let his curiosity take the wheel. As a SAHM, I admit that I have a difficult time knowing when to give him a break because it feels like he is changing so quickly that if I miss out on the chance to dance with him or teach him an animal sound, I'm worried that I'm not doing enough to give him what he deserves. I know he has what he needs, so that's not a point of concern.
I want to encourage him based on the kind of person he is. It doesn't appeal to me to push him or discourage him, unless it's about his safety/health (of course). My point of this long rambling is this: how can I nurture Adam's nature to raise him to be a well-rounded, resiliant Christian with integrity and discipline? Whew! What a mission! It's what I'm alive for; I believe to my core that God put me here to bring my family to His service. I want to do what I can to achieve the grand goal of hearing Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
So enough of setting nature against nurture. I'm trying to get them in sync to make my family's future a bright one. After all, my family is what God blessed me with so I could do his bidding to bring more people to Him.
We've [likely] all heard of "nature vs. nurture". The Program has me thinking about things differently, sorta like how amazing the world looks to G through the upside-down lens as she sticks her teeny bum in the air with her head on the floor and giggles gleefully at the view between her legs. I'm using the word AND instead of opposition words (but, or, versus, etc.). I'm thinking more along the lines of I love your sounds AND it's time to be quiet cuz you're making me bonkers, or I know you'd rather play than have your diaper changed AND you're gonna just have to lay here and deal with me doing this.
In the same way G looks at the world with a new view, I find myself thinking about the mundane through a new view. It's refreshing. On my way home I was thinking Why can't it be nature AND nurture? Wouldn't it help us raise our kids better if we used the two together?? Much of my mission as a teacher was to help the students learn their learning type. I wanted to know the best way to tailor my lessons to my students and classes. Sometimes I taught the same lesson very differently because my audience was not the same.
Simple enough, right? No! I felt like I had to teach the same thing 8 different times in one class period because I wanted the students to hear the lesson in their own language, if you will. The term "lost in translation" comes to mind. I found that I lost the students' interest if I wasn't speaking at the level of understanding to them all. I got frustrated on a regular basis because I found myself starting at the ground and working my way to the clouds every day. That gets exhausting! With my "spirited" students I felt like I had to dance and shoot off fireworks to keep their attention with the challenge of getting the lesson across. With the gifted students I had to keep their interest and stay a step ahead of them without dumbing the lesson down or the point would be lost and they would end up seeing through me to the chaotic dance I was trying to perform.
I was always tired when I taught.
Always.
When it comes to Adam, my inquisitive, busy toddler, I want to give him the space to learn on his own and I want to nurture his curiosity by sharing the wonder of the simple things in life with him. I want to be there for every new word, association, and revelation. I also want to get out of his face enough to let his curiosity take the wheel. As a SAHM, I admit that I have a difficult time knowing when to give him a break because it feels like he is changing so quickly that if I miss out on the chance to dance with him or teach him an animal sound, I'm worried that I'm not doing enough to give him what he deserves. I know he has what he needs, so that's not a point of concern.
I want to encourage him based on the kind of person he is. It doesn't appeal to me to push him or discourage him, unless it's about his safety/health (of course). My point of this long rambling is this: how can I nurture Adam's nature to raise him to be a well-rounded, resiliant Christian with integrity and discipline? Whew! What a mission! It's what I'm alive for; I believe to my core that God put me here to bring my family to His service. I want to do what I can to achieve the grand goal of hearing Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
So enough of setting nature against nurture. I'm trying to get them in sync to make my family's future a bright one. After all, my family is what God blessed me with so I could do his bidding to bring more people to Him.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
let go, and let God
I just had a whirlwind of a day (and a half). I brought Adam to his great-auntie Connie's for the night and spent my first night away from him in over a year. Tim and I had a date night and we went out to eat at The Laurel (mmmmm... salmon...). 2 1/2 glasses of Champagne later, I admitted to Tim that I was fighting exhaustion. You see, whenever Adam is not around, I. Get. Tiiiiiired. *sigh*
We came home and Tim took Sophie out to do her business. I decided to let go of my consciousness and wind waaaaay down. I showered and put on my comfy pjs. I stumbled out of the bedroom, over Adam's toys, and plopped on the couch. I queued up Netflix, "How I Met Your Mother", and proceeded to pass out.
I don't remember Tim getting in with the dog. I don't remember talking to him (which I apparently did when they got in). I don't remember ANYTHING except waking up to a lovely soaked shirt and aching boobs. I squinted to make out the clock; if it wasn't 5, I wasn't getting up. Dang it, 5:30.
Then I had the thought settle over me that my baby wasn't home and I loved the fact that I could take care of me. And that's it.
Lots of people said "oh you'll miss him" or "you're gonna cry" when I mentioned him having his first over-night away from me. I couldn't stop smiling when I dropped him off with Auntie Connie! I called Hailee and laughed because I felt free! I trust my aunt to take care of Adam. He was only 2 miles away. He was happy when I left and I got lots of text-pics that showed that he was happy. One of the best things I've learned through my progress in The Program is to let God be in control. That alone not only made this possible, but also easy and truly enjoyable.
I have noticed that when things don't go like I thought they would, I need to slow down and look around at what God would rather have me do. I'm here to do His bidding and I feel good for doing it. If traffic is moving slower, fine. If Adam's out of my hands, okay. If the dog eats cat poo, whatever. If circumstances make me late, hungry, double-think, and yes, even upset, I'm learning to turn my attention to God. I'm getting faster at recognizing these instances and I'm happier when I shrug my shoulders and think, "that's okay," or, "this might be better than the other possibility".
My next challenge is to quit being a doormat and to stand up for myself. I'm okay with things going a different way, but I'm unhappy and hurt when I let people trample on my feelings. I will learn (soon, I hope) to bring my feelings to the surface and deal with them before they turn ugly (like my last post to a hacker that I deleted).
When God is in my heart, good things will happen in my life. When God helps me choose my words, better things will happen. When God guides my actions, great things will happen. I am my thoughts, my words, and my actions. If God helps me bear the weight of my troubles, the world will be a brighter place!
As I work to sleep-train Adam (again! after 10 weeks of sickness and being away from home) I need to remember to let go of what's going on for the sake of letting God's plan fall into place. I need to tell myself to let go, and let God take over. One day at a time!
We came home and Tim took Sophie out to do her business. I decided to let go of my consciousness and wind waaaaay down. I showered and put on my comfy pjs. I stumbled out of the bedroom, over Adam's toys, and plopped on the couch. I queued up Netflix, "How I Met Your Mother", and proceeded to pass out.
I don't remember Tim getting in with the dog. I don't remember talking to him (which I apparently did when they got in). I don't remember ANYTHING except waking up to a lovely soaked shirt and aching boobs. I squinted to make out the clock; if it wasn't 5, I wasn't getting up. Dang it, 5:30.
Then I had the thought settle over me that my baby wasn't home and I loved the fact that I could take care of me. And that's it.
Lots of people said "oh you'll miss him" or "you're gonna cry" when I mentioned him having his first over-night away from me. I couldn't stop smiling when I dropped him off with Auntie Connie! I called Hailee and laughed because I felt free! I trust my aunt to take care of Adam. He was only 2 miles away. He was happy when I left and I got lots of text-pics that showed that he was happy. One of the best things I've learned through my progress in The Program is to let God be in control. That alone not only made this possible, but also easy and truly enjoyable.
I have noticed that when things don't go like I thought they would, I need to slow down and look around at what God would rather have me do. I'm here to do His bidding and I feel good for doing it. If traffic is moving slower, fine. If Adam's out of my hands, okay. If the dog eats cat poo, whatever. If circumstances make me late, hungry, double-think, and yes, even upset, I'm learning to turn my attention to God. I'm getting faster at recognizing these instances and I'm happier when I shrug my shoulders and think, "that's okay," or, "this might be better than the other possibility".
My next challenge is to quit being a doormat and to stand up for myself. I'm okay with things going a different way, but I'm unhappy and hurt when I let people trample on my feelings. I will learn (soon, I hope) to bring my feelings to the surface and deal with them before they turn ugly (like my last post to a hacker that I deleted).
When God is in my heart, good things will happen in my life. When God helps me choose my words, better things will happen. When God guides my actions, great things will happen. I am my thoughts, my words, and my actions. If God helps me bear the weight of my troubles, the world will be a brighter place!
As I work to sleep-train Adam (again! after 10 weeks of sickness and being away from home) I need to remember to let go of what's going on for the sake of letting God's plan fall into place. I need to tell myself to let go, and let God take over. One day at a time!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
love you forever
We had a great day as we celebrated Adam's First Birthday. My baby is getting so big so fast! I read "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch and cried (of course). I wonder if I'll ever get through that book without crying. I took a few pics as the party went on, and some of the boys in the tub tonight. We missed some special people today, and we are so blessed for the ones who came and the great gifts they gave to Adam. Happy 1st Birthday, Adam Isaiah!
(pics to come when i get them edited/uploaded)
(pics to come when i get them edited/uploaded)
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