Wednesday, October 17, 2012

WHAM! or is it WAHM?

Working at home is not easy (for me, anyway). I'm not complaining (I realize how blessed I am!); I am recognizing the fact that my personality is a tough one to wrangle and tame when it comes to staying on task and getting the momentum to get any substantial work done. I do data entry online for an insurance company that's located about 2 hours from my home, for a boss whom I've never met.

I get most of my work done after Adam goes to bed. The tough thing for me is to be disciplined enough to walk away from the hundred other things I'd like to get done, as is a general urge of moms when children go to bed (aside from the urge to collapse into bed). I can't think of anything more difficult to resist than the motivational surge of energy that springs forth from the peace of a quiet house at the end of the day. The last thing I want to do is sit on the couch and work because it's easy to get distracted online and because it's easy to fall asleep at my "desk".
I'd like to just clean up the toy tornado that swept through the living room, detoured into my bedroom, and ended in Adam's room after pulling the books off the shelf. It will only take 4 minutes.
I want to quickly clean up the dishes so I don't have to face that first thing in the morning when I'm trying to pry my eyes open to clearly see what I'm attempting to do with the coffee maker. This should only take 3 minutes. Tops. 
If I can just straighten up the paper piles, and kinda sort them into mine-to-be-filed, Tim's-to-be-filed, to-be-dealt-with-by-Friday, and other random papers that float around this house... it will look so much more tidied up than just clearing out the sink. 2 minutes is all. 
If I could do a simple inventory of stuff we need that I recognized should go on a shopping list but I was too distracted to write it down, those 3 minutes will make tomorrow go smoother after an ultra efficient trip to the store. Ready, GO!
The book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie is a humorous book about the comic life of a critter who's in over his head. I like to tell people I'm that mouse. I get so distracted, and I take forever to never finish everything I've ever started. Does that make sense? :o)

Tomorrow I am holding myself accountable for a few of those things. I will update my daily schedule that has proven to be dysfunctional. I will catch up on my daily printables project that I assigned myself. But, perhaps the most important part of this is the necessity to spend more time devoted to God's Word and less time being a lazy bum thinking about the fact that if I was really the mouse I'd've gotten a cookie out of the deal. ;o)

Saturday, October 6, 2012


Just a quick thought as I head to bed: I can't describe how important it is to know HALT. One of the things my sponsor taught me several years ago was to know yourself and to be true to thine own self.

We are constantly challenged by the entropy of our bodies: if we don't take care of our minds, bodies, and spirits, we will literally die. When we are feeling off, it's usually because we are hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired. We need to halt, figure out what is throwing us off, and take care of it.

I'm exhausted. I'm easily angered, especially when I'm tired. I need to know myself and take care of myself. Why is this so hard for mommies to do? yawn

I'm looking forward to tomorrow: church and family. Church family and family. Nice. How blessed I feel!

Monday, October 1, 2012

upside-down, and the up side of Down

Tim, Adam, and I joined the Step Up for Down Syndrome event over the weekend. We went to support my sister and her family, including 2-year-old Calvin John. Cal was diagnosed with Down syndrome after a startling 20-week ultrasound appointment and follow-up amniocentesis. I just read what I wrote and it doesn't feel right to summarize Calvin and Ilisa's story into a sentence like that. Read more about that story here.

Me and Calvin

The last few weeks have been life-changing for me (and Tim). After a discovery of epic nightmarish proportions (not going there right now, maybe not ever) I can't help but think about the events that can change a person in a matter of seconds, moments, weeks... It's enlightening and disgusting, encouraging and scary. When the world as you "know" it becomes life as you knew it, I can't help but wonder what people who do not have God in their hearts and lives do to survive. How do they cope??

After nearly a month of reevaluating what seems like every single angle of my life, I am consistently and happily brought to God at every glance and meditation. I have gone to Him in prayer more than I ever imagined I would. He is so prominent in my life that I feel Him moving me. He moves my thoughts, words, and actions. My sponsor through The Program has taught me, above all, to be true to my self. I didn't mistype that: my self, not myself. In being true to my self, I allow God to work my self for His glory, because my self is His self in the sense that I'm here to do His bidding. Hello, Jesus freak! :oP

Prayer has become my lifeline to my life source. Even in the middle of the night when I get up to nurse Adam, I find I'm talking to God, thanking Him for the blessings of hearing Adam, breast milk, interrupted sleep on account of the fact that I am blessed to have Adam, my healthy and precious baby, humming fans, the snoring dog, and even my husband who takes no time at all to sprawl across the bed. Figures. Amazing how three weeks ago I honestly searched my heart for reasons to stay married. After stepping into a trap and being yanked from the floor beneath my feet and jolted and turned upside-down in a heart-wrenching tribulation, I was left with nothing but a choice.

The choice came down to one thing: God. I don't think my sister would disagree that in the moments of disbelief and heartbreak, it's not so much about the choice of how to handle it, but with whom. I've always considered myself a Christian, but I didn't ever know Christ. I didn't know love. I didn't know peace. Now that I know God and His Son, I know faith, hope, and love. I've been poring over Galatians 5 and 1 Corinthians. I've found myself addicted to Proverbs, desperately scouring scripture for answers, keys, and commands.

When I imagine the emotional turmoil Ilisa experienced when her baby was discovered to have heart defects, my heart feels a big, dull ache. I walked with my family and hundreds of strangers and let my soul empathize with parents, grandparents, guardians and caretakers of the people we love and care for, the people who feel that heartbreaking jolt after hearing there could be something wrong with their baby.

My appreciation for the relationship between God and the caretakers of anybody with special needs is profound. If it wasn't for the "bad"/challenges in our lives, we wouldn't have a reason to need God. Well played, big man upstairs, well played. :oD It's the up side of the downs in our lives, cuz when we hit our bottom the only place we can look is up. And in the case of the event over the weekend, being drawn together to feel camaraderie with others who live with the blessing of someone with Down syndrome, we can say it's the up side of Down. See what I did there? Clever, eh? ;o)

My prayer is simple: I beg God to do what it takes to bring us nearer to Him for the glory of His Kingdom. Romans 8 is full of promise. It's offensively real and I'm humble after accepting the words that speak to me. I hope the Holy Spirit continues to move me and make me feel alive in God. To thine own self be true, and not for my glory, but for our Lord who sent His only begotten Son for each of us.


My focus in the Lord in the past 3 weeks has been through these works:
Romans 8
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13
Eggerichs: Love and Respect
The Story, chapters 1-3
numerous blogs, including Time-Warp Wife and The Hesitant Housewife
podcasts in the "Truly, Madly, Deeply... Stuck" series by Eagle Brook Church
The Program