these are the moments

Here I sit, working on a Saturday night. I am feeling so blessed right now that I want to write it down so I can read it when I need to, or look back on it over time and smile.

I'm working while the Packers take on the 49ers in the NFL Playoffs. Nikki texted me just a moment ago, encouraging me to listen to another moving Eagle Brook Church sermon and I'm about to fire up another podcast about getting my daily dose of God. Good stuff! How blessed am I to have a friend who has the wellbeing of my heart and soul on her mind.

Adam fell asleep in my arms after a day of family time at home. Tim is such a good daddy for him and Adam adores him for it. Tim and I do nigh' night prayer with Adam and I give Adam snuggles and lay him down for him to fall asleep on his own. Tonight, though, my sweet boy nuzzled in and fell asleep in my arms (a rarity these days), so I treasured it and snapped a picture with my phone. I am so blessed to have God's confidence in raising His children!

Tim's in the basement practicing his guitar for tomorrow's worship service at church. We're excited to enjoy lunch with our Pastor's family and another family after the service tomorrow. We love our church family and are so blessed to be involved with a great church just 2 miles from where we live! And what an honor to have been invited to our Pastor's home!

Today I posted a pic on Facebook of Adam wearing his “big brother” shirt and it's been a hit with nearly 90 likes and 50 comments. I am feeling the love! Our friends and family, regardless of how close we are to them, are lifting us up and I'm truly humbled by it. We're so blessed to have so many people who care about us!

I hope we can remember to honor God always, even when we don't feel like it or are falling and failing in life. Something I've been meditating on this week has been Proverbs 3:5-6, which reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Let that bless us as we put our faith in the one true place where it will never fail. Praise God for that!

upside-down, and the up side of Down

Tim, Adam, and I joined the Step Up for Down Syndrome event over the weekend. We went to support my sister and her family, including 2-year-old Calvin John. Cal was diagnosed with Down syndrome after a startling 20-week ultrasound appointment and follow-up amniocentesis. I just read what I wrote and it doesn't feel right to summarize Calvin and Ilisa's story into a sentence like that. Read more about that story here.



Me and Calvin
9/30/2012

The last few weeks have been life-changing for me (and Tim). After a discovery of epic nightmarish proportions (not going there right now, maybe not ever) I can't help but think about the events that can change a person in a matter of seconds, moments, weeks... It's enlightening and disgusting, encouraging and scary. When the world as you "know" it becomes life as you knew it, I can't help but wonder what people who do not have God in their hearts and lives do to survive. How do they cope??

After nearly a month of reevaluating what seems like every single angle of my life, I am consistently and happily brought to God at every glance and meditation. I have gone to Him in prayer more than I ever imagined I would. He is so prominent in my life that I feel Him moving me. He moves my thoughts, words, and actions. My sponsor through The Program has taught me, above all, to be true to my self. I didn't mistype that: my self, not myself. In being true to my self, I allow God to work my self for His glory, because my self is His self in the sense that I'm here to do His bidding. Hello, Jesus freak! :oP

Prayer has become my lifeline to my life source. Even in the middle of the night when I get up to nurse Adam, I find I'm talking to God, thanking Him for the blessings of hearing Adam, breast milk, interrupted sleep on account of the fact that I am blessed to have Adam, my healthy and precious baby, humming fans, the snoring dog, and even my husband who takes no time at all to sprawl across the bed. Figures. Amazing how three weeks ago I honestly searched my heart for reasons to stay married. After stepping into a trap and being yanked from the floor beneath my feet and jolted and turned upside-down in a heart-wrenching tribulation, I was left with nothing but a choice.

The choice came down to one thing: God. I don't think my sister would disagree that in the moments of disbelief and heartbreak, it's not so much about the choice of how to handle it, but with whom. I've always considered myself a Christian, but I didn't ever know Christ. I didn't know love. I didn't know peace. Now that I know God and His Son, I know faith, hope, and love. I've been poring over Galatians 5 and 1 Corinthians. I've found myself addicted to Proverbs, desperately scouring scripture for answers, keys, and commands.

When I imagine the emotional turmoil Ilisa experienced when her baby was discovered to have heart defects, my heart feels a big, dull ache. I walked with my family and hundreds of strangers and let my soul empathize with parents, grandparents, guardians and caretakers of the people we love and care for, the people who feel that heartbreaking jolt after hearing there could be something wrong with their baby.

My appreciation for the relationship between God and the caretakers of anybody with special needs is profound. If it wasn't for the "bad"/challenges in our lives, we wouldn't have a reason to need God. Well played, big man upstairs, well played. :oD It's the up side of the downs in our lives, cuz when we hit our bottom the only place we can look is up. And in the case of the event over the weekend, being drawn together to feel camaraderie with others who live with the blessing of someone with Down syndrome, we can say it's the up side of Down. See what I did there? Clever, eh? ;o)

My prayer is simple: I beg God to do what it takes to bring us nearer to Him for the glory of His Kingdom. Romans 8 is full of promise. It's offensively real and I'm humble after accepting the words that speak to me. I hope the Holy Spirit continues to move me and make me feel alive in God. To thine own self be true, and not for my glory, but for our Lord who sent His only begotten Son for each of us.

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My focus in the Lord in the past 3 weeks has been through these works:

Romans 8
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13
Eggerichs: Love and Respect
The Story, chapters 1-3
numerous blogs, including Time-Warp Wife and The Hesitant Housewife
podcasts in the "Truly, Madly, Deeply... Stuck" series by Eagle Brook Church
The Program

No-Nap Land

For any parent ever, the results of no nap is not cool sucks. Adam napped for 5 minutes in my arms yesterday around his usual lunchtime/noon nap time. The reason he didn't nap? We were not at home. We were at my aunt and uncle's house, 2.5 miles away from home. He nursed and passed out. Yes, I am still nursing my nearly 1.5-year-old. Maybe I'll blog about that next time. It depends on if I wanna face the freak show our society has turned a natural source of providing nutrients to our babies and toddlers.

*calm down, Kathryn!*
*sigh*

Anyway, you see what happens? Mama gets a little crazy in the 24 hours that follow a toddler who should be napping who, instead, bolts upright in the unfamiliar, noisy play-yard and smiles around repeating, "Hi! Hi!" No nap for Adam meant that I was playing with him, dealing with him, helping him, shaking him off my legs, and tolerating him for about 12 hours yesterday. Be the end of the day, when I sat on the couch immediately after he had supper and climbed on me wanting my chips and apple salsa, I had enough. I bit my tongue and forced myself to tickle him to the point of hysterical laughter.

I threw that kid in the tub and got his bedtime routine going like there was a fire under my butt. He gave me a break and played good in the tub for about 10 minutes. He stood up and signed "all done", and while I dried him off and snuggled him up, I told him that I love him. My patience was waning for about an hour at that point. I told myself, "He doesn't get why I'm frustrated, so get over it and enjoy this sweet boy." And I did. I closed my eyes, stuffed my nose in his hair, and took a whiff of my baby. It's something I have always done when I'm frustrated or upset with him. He went to bed and was sleeping at 7:30. He didn't sleep through the night, but he slept okay. He's healthy and happy, thanks to God's gracious love.

For parents out there with more than one child, I already don't know how you do it. I'll have my turn someday, but when naps don't happen at the same time, I hope you at least make those kiddos rest or sit quietly so you get a break. My mom called it "Silence for Sanity". How in the world did my parents (especially Mom) not destroy us (I'm one of S.E.V.E.N.)? I don't know. I'll never know unless I have 7 kids, so I guess it will remain a mystery. ;o)

God's blessings to moms and dads when your children nap (or don't) that you might find a way to recharge as the madness ensues around you. And God bless your kids that they might give their deserving parents a much-needed chance to return to zero and breath easy. *sigh* :o)

a weak effort to wrangle my thoughts into writing

I intended for this blog to be a journal of sorts, so here's one of my random updates and sleepy rambles. Thanks for reading. =)

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I stay at home with my tot. Adam is 15 months old and is such a boy in the ways we expect boys to be: if it has wheels and a motor he's interested. His excitement and joy for simple wonders are unbounded. It's one of those times I realize how in love I am with him. We've been home for about 2 weeks (in the sense that we haven't been gone for a night and we've had a pretty steady routine going on) and it's been great. Adam's sleep habits turned from unacceptable and needy, up every 2 hours (yes, at 14 months old) to self-soothing and sleeping through the night (for stretches of 8-12 hours). Nice!

Yesterday I brought Adam to River Falls to have a sleepover at Chrissy & Mike's apartment. We enjoyed our stay and it made me think back to last year at this time when we would have 2-3 nights at Chrissy's apartment every other week. So many things have changed. Last summer, Chrissy had a roommate other than Mike who wasn't there when we visited. Adam wasn't mobile so he slept right on Chrissy's bed or on the recliner chair. Tim didn't care that Adam and I were gone for so long; actually, Tim liked it. Lots of other things have changed, too.

Chrissy and I have been through a lot in the last year. A lot! Most of all, I realized last night how much I miss Chrissy. It was great hanging out and being able to spend time with Mike and Chrissy. When I got home today I was chatting with my cousin Hailee about wedding plans. When I hung up the phone Tim asked if Mike and Chrissy were getting married. Nope, but we agreed that we wouldn't be surprised if they got engaged soon. =)

It was a nice time, and I'm looking forward to another sleepover with them in early August. A campus visit will be on the agenda because I saw loads of messes and projects of the construction sort in progress. I love the city of River Falls and there are lots of people in my prayers that I don't even know the names of who are from there. It was a couple of days that made me realize I need to keep my family close and my spirit in tune with God. I'm counting my blessings tonight!

love you forever

We had a great day as we celebrated Adam's First Birthday. My baby is getting so big so fast! I read "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch and cried (of course). I wonder if I'll ever get through that book without crying. I took a few pics as the party went on, and some of the boys in the tub tonight. We missed some special people today, and we are so blessed for the ones who came and the great gifts they gave to Adam. Happy 1st Birthday, Adam Isaiah!

(pics to come when i get them edited/uploaded)

root beer

What a busy day! If I don't journal on whirlwind days like this I feel like they'll be forgotten sooner. The little things, like Nolie asking at 9:15 tonight if his mommy was here, or the look of exhileration on his face when we walked up the pop and chips aisle at the grocery store while he pushed his tot-size grocery cart, shouting, "Katie! I found the woot beeah! I found the sips!"

I'm getting way ahead of myself here. I meant to write like my day went: starting with the morning. The sleep thing, waking up alive thing? Not today. I cleaned like nobody's business until 2 am. Tim got up with Adam (as he does 2 or 3 times a week these days). I got up around 7:30 and tidied some more while Tim helped because Ilisa came over to do Adam's 1-year pics. Her photography business is picking up speed and she has great ideas that are coming to life. It's exciting and inspiring to watch her on this journey.

Adam put on a show for Ilisa, and Auntie Connie joined us to coax more silliness out of my bugger. He danced to Christian rock, pushed around his "super cruiser" (as Tim calls it), jumped on his bed, and played with cake. It is always a joy to see him in his element and he was eating up the attention (and some cake!).

We ventured over to Children's Hospital in St. Paul for a follow-up appointment with Dr. Wolpert. On the trip Connie read some passages out of a book that I'm anxious to get my hands on. I'm scarednervousexcited about my personal spiritual inventory and the thought of it is extremely intimidating. Yuck. I'm having a heck of a time facing Step 4, and as I have made it since Monday feeling like I am happy (pathetic, I know) I should be rarin' to get into and over this Step so I can be even happier. Anyway, the passages I heard are inspiring and make me less sick to my stomach about the next Step.

We visited with Dr. James Wolpert for 15 minutes. Dr. Wolpert has a great bedside manner and is a pleasure to deal with. We will see him again in a year. I want to put this behind us, and it's clear this is another issue I'll be addressing in Step 4. As I type this I don't want to tell people about Adam's hypospadias. There. I said it. Adam was the 1 in 800 babies born with this birth defect. His hypospadias was repaired. It's healing "fine" but we will be going back to see if any cosmetic issues become functional issues. Boo. Until then there's nothing we can do but thank God for where we are from where we've been. Can you tell I don't want to face this? My shoulders are tense and my head is achy just typing this paragraph. Ugh...

Anyway, with a happy boy we headed to Walmart and Fleet Farm and we had a fun time picking out Adam's Easter stuff. Adam got a lawn mower toy from Auntie Connie for Easter. It's really light-weight and we are convinced it gives him the sense of security he needs to take his first steps. Oh, we went crazy watching him PICK THE MOWER UP AND TAKE STEPS but refused to walk if he wasn't holding on to it. Oh, Adam!

On our way home we picked up my nephews Nolan (3.5) and Evan (6). The boys came outside asking if we were gonna have root beer and stay up super late. I said yes to both. Nolie and I went to the local store and had a hay day while Adam was home sleeping with Tim and Ev playing soccer outside. Nolie was unsure about some things, like "is this a good path?" and "is it okay?" I could tell he was missing his mama and dad. He did great with Evan by his side, and Ev takes his big-brother role seriously with an arm around his li'l pal saying, "I'm glad you're here, Nolan." When we got home, Nolan ran from the car yelling, "Evan! We got woot beeah!" Oh, to be 3 and so loved!

We rounded the night off with popcorn, root beer, books, and Veggie Tales. Both party animals were out by 9:40. Tim and Sophie were not far behind, and here I am. I'm looking forward to sleep, and a shower. Probably in that order. Tomorrow we will dye eggs and play at the school. We will greet the day with playtime and peanut butter. I will take a nap. Maybe not. Probably not. I hope I am that blessed, and I'm so glad to have a house full of boys and my Sophie girl ALL SNORING. *sigh* Ahhhh... life is good, God is great. I'll end with some pics of our afternoon.



so tired after such a long day



Tim playing soccer with Evan while Nolan plays golf, sorta

"Katie, we need peanuts!"

little shopper

i'm one of those jesus freak types

I pray on a consistently irregular basis, when the thought strikes, where ever I am. I think the most important thing in any relationship ever is communication, and relationships are simply between two people. Yes, I think God is a person, and that I am just as responsible in keeping my end of the communication up as He is.

A couple of weeks ago I read something that went right to my heart: when we sin, no matter the sin, it is the result of not having God centered in our thoughts, words, and actions. I try to keep God on my side, but since then I've been asking Him to let His Holy Spirit into the gut of my soul, to take over, and to be the driving force in me.

I have anger issues. I feel like anything that is upsetting leads me to anger/frustration/annoyance/whathaveyou... and it's because I need more God and less me. As the song goes (So Long Self by Mercy Me):

...So long, self
Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don't cry
So long, self...

I think it's human nature (sinful nature) to be self-centered. Then I look back to see how many times the words "I, me, my..." appear in these blogs and shake my head. Well, it is my journal. Ha! I just hope that as Adam grows he wants God to be the center in his life, and the center of his soul. It's a selfish desire, but I find myself feeling good about wanting that for my kid. =)

Every night and periodically throughout the day I pray with Adam. I started in the hospital when I had him; I had an overwhelming urge to surround my baby with God's holy presence. Who wouldn't want that for their baby?? I asked God in a desperate begging way to take care of my baby boy who didn't even have a name yet. I was tearful and felt a powerful urgency in wanting to protect my baby physically and spiritually. I suppose this is the very reason people have their infants baptized. I prayed with him while I buckled him into his car seat one time, asking God to keep him from screaming the whole car ride (he hated the car seat from months 2-5) and God gave me and Adam a quiet ride. Yahoo! It didn't happen every time, but I sure appreciated when God gave us a break from the sadness!

My point is simple: I want Adam to be used to the ongoing conversation between us and God. I want my family to see it as normal to openly converse with Him, as we do with our dearest friends. It's comforting for me to see people bow their heads silently before a meal and to hear people open up about and to God to their friends and family. I like our church for that very reason: we are accepted no matter how we approach God and no matter how we maintain a relationship with Him.

Tonight I reminisced (after I prayed with Adam and he just fell asleep so peacefully) about when my sister, Ilisa, and I went to Grandma and Grandpa Ajer's house and stayed overnight. It was special that we said our bedtime prayer and blessings before bed, and I want Adam to remember that with me and Tim. Our bedtime prayer:

Now I lay me down to rest, angels guard my little nest. Like a wee bird in a tree, Loving Father, care for me. Glad and well, may I awake. This I ask for Jesus' sake. Amen.

"God bless Adam Isaiah, Mommy and Daddy, and God bless Sophie, too. God bless Grammas and Grampas, Aunties and Uncles, and all those cousins, too. God please bless our dear friends and our neighbors, near and far. Bless us all simply because you made us who we are. Thank you for the air, good water, the sun, and the food you give. And thank you most of all, Dear God, for your Son, that we might live. Amen."

When we were little, we did blessings and started with family, then friends, and eventually said "everyone in the world". I remember crying one night after Ilisa fell asleep because I couldn't name enough people and I wanted God to bless everyone. We are all blessed, and I still wish to this day that everyone recognizes who gives them those blessings.

I'll stop now. I could ramble on and on... I've got that joyJOYjoyJOY down in my heart. ;o)  God bless you! =)