upside-down, and the up side of Down

Tim, Adam, and I joined the Step Up for Down Syndrome event over the weekend. We went to support my sister and her family, including 2-year-old Calvin John. Cal was diagnosed with Down syndrome after a startling 20-week ultrasound appointment and follow-up amniocentesis. I just read what I wrote and it doesn't feel right to summarize Calvin and Ilisa's story into a sentence like that. Read more about that story here.



Me and Calvin
9/30/2012

The last few weeks have been life-changing for me (and Tim). After a discovery of epic nightmarish proportions (not going there right now, maybe not ever) I can't help but think about the events that can change a person in a matter of seconds, moments, weeks... It's enlightening and disgusting, encouraging and scary. When the world as you "know" it becomes life as you knew it, I can't help but wonder what people who do not have God in their hearts and lives do to survive. How do they cope??

After nearly a month of reevaluating what seems like every single angle of my life, I am consistently and happily brought to God at every glance and meditation. I have gone to Him in prayer more than I ever imagined I would. He is so prominent in my life that I feel Him moving me. He moves my thoughts, words, and actions. My sponsor through The Program has taught me, above all, to be true to my self. I didn't mistype that: my self, not myself. In being true to my self, I allow God to work my self for His glory, because my self is His self in the sense that I'm here to do His bidding. Hello, Jesus freak! :oP

Prayer has become my lifeline to my life source. Even in the middle of the night when I get up to nurse Adam, I find I'm talking to God, thanking Him for the blessings of hearing Adam, breast milk, interrupted sleep on account of the fact that I am blessed to have Adam, my healthy and precious baby, humming fans, the snoring dog, and even my husband who takes no time at all to sprawl across the bed. Figures. Amazing how three weeks ago I honestly searched my heart for reasons to stay married. After stepping into a trap and being yanked from the floor beneath my feet and jolted and turned upside-down in a heart-wrenching tribulation, I was left with nothing but a choice.

The choice came down to one thing: God. I don't think my sister would disagree that in the moments of disbelief and heartbreak, it's not so much about the choice of how to handle it, but with whom. I've always considered myself a Christian, but I didn't ever know Christ. I didn't know love. I didn't know peace. Now that I know God and His Son, I know faith, hope, and love. I've been poring over Galatians 5 and 1 Corinthians. I've found myself addicted to Proverbs, desperately scouring scripture for answers, keys, and commands.

When I imagine the emotional turmoil Ilisa experienced when her baby was discovered to have heart defects, my heart feels a big, dull ache. I walked with my family and hundreds of strangers and let my soul empathize with parents, grandparents, guardians and caretakers of the people we love and care for, the people who feel that heartbreaking jolt after hearing there could be something wrong with their baby.

My appreciation for the relationship between God and the caretakers of anybody with special needs is profound. If it wasn't for the "bad"/challenges in our lives, we wouldn't have a reason to need God. Well played, big man upstairs, well played. :oD It's the up side of the downs in our lives, cuz when we hit our bottom the only place we can look is up. And in the case of the event over the weekend, being drawn together to feel camaraderie with others who live with the blessing of someone with Down syndrome, we can say it's the up side of Down. See what I did there? Clever, eh? ;o)

My prayer is simple: I beg God to do what it takes to bring us nearer to Him for the glory of His Kingdom. Romans 8 is full of promise. It's offensively real and I'm humble after accepting the words that speak to me. I hope the Holy Spirit continues to move me and make me feel alive in God. To thine own self be true, and not for my glory, but for our Lord who sent His only begotten Son for each of us.

----------------------

My focus in the Lord in the past 3 weeks has been through these works:

Romans 8
Galatians 5
1 Corinthians 13
Eggerichs: Love and Respect
The Story, chapters 1-3
numerous blogs, including Time-Warp Wife and The Hesitant Housewife
podcasts in the "Truly, Madly, Deeply... Stuck" series by Eagle Brook Church
The Program

No-Nap Land

For any parent ever, the results of no nap is not cool sucks. Adam napped for 5 minutes in my arms yesterday around his usual lunchtime/noon nap time. The reason he didn't nap? We were not at home. We were at my aunt and uncle's house, 2.5 miles away from home. He nursed and passed out. Yes, I am still nursing my nearly 1.5-year-old. Maybe I'll blog about that next time. It depends on if I wanna face the freak show our society has turned a natural source of providing nutrients to our babies and toddlers.

*calm down, Kathryn!*
*sigh*

Anyway, you see what happens? Mama gets a little crazy in the 24 hours that follow a toddler who should be napping who, instead, bolts upright in the unfamiliar, noisy play-yard and smiles around repeating, "Hi! Hi!" No nap for Adam meant that I was playing with him, dealing with him, helping him, shaking him off my legs, and tolerating him for about 12 hours yesterday. Be the end of the day, when I sat on the couch immediately after he had supper and climbed on me wanting my chips and apple salsa, I had enough. I bit my tongue and forced myself to tickle him to the point of hysterical laughter.

I threw that kid in the tub and got his bedtime routine going like there was a fire under my butt. He gave me a break and played good in the tub for about 10 minutes. He stood up and signed "all done", and while I dried him off and snuggled him up, I told him that I love him. My patience was waning for about an hour at that point. I told myself, "He doesn't get why I'm frustrated, so get over it and enjoy this sweet boy." And I did. I closed my eyes, stuffed my nose in his hair, and took a whiff of my baby. It's something I have always done when I'm frustrated or upset with him. He went to bed and was sleeping at 7:30. He didn't sleep through the night, but he slept okay. He's healthy and happy, thanks to God's gracious love.

For parents out there with more than one child, I already don't know how you do it. I'll have my turn someday, but when naps don't happen at the same time, I hope you at least make those kiddos rest or sit quietly so you get a break. My mom called it "Silence for Sanity". How in the world did my parents (especially Mom) not destroy us (I'm one of S.E.V.E.N.)? I don't know. I'll never know unless I have 7 kids, so I guess it will remain a mystery. ;o)

God's blessings to moms and dads when your children nap (or don't) that you might find a way to recharge as the madness ensues around you. And God bless your kids that they might give their deserving parents a much-needed chance to return to zero and breath easy. *sigh* :o)

getting on track

Following up on last night's tired and overwhelmed post, I've had a cup of coffee and I've gotten a couple of things done. I'm feeling a teensy bit accomplished and feeling purposeful brings a great deal of joy to me (anyone, really).

I am a financial fool (just ask my patient husband) and am drowning in my numbers: school loans are sitting stale, starting to rot and stink. The looming cloud of student debt is a huge factor in my attitude these days. I feel the cultural pull of work, and the personal and family push of paying off my decade-old decisions. Part of my agenda today is to assess the decision to go back to work. I haven't talked to Tim about this yet, and that discussion usually goes the same direction every time we have it. (It's nothing new around here). Tim supports me staying home with Adam, financially and otherwise. I need to keep addressing this, though, because I won't stay home forever.

With my energy and better outlook this morning, I am facing the source of my discouragement and I'm asking God for grace as I make calls to my lenders and sort things out. I worked on my budget this morning, and I made a schedule of times to spend blogging, budgeting, working, READING THE WORD, and with family (including church). One day at a time! ;)

I need to draw nearer to God. The reasons are boundless and it's easy to do. With the new church calendar is a new Sunday School calendar, and classes start on Sunday. Worship services are Wednesday nights. I will surround myself with those who love God, and the pieces will fall into place. I need to busy myself with positive things, and get back to the basics: purpose-filled people are happy.

It's 11:30, and blogging time is done! :D Happy Wednesday, and thank you for the thoughts and prayers!

constantly seeking balance

I'm not sure I even want to publish this, but I need to write to get this crud outta my head.

When I started blogging it was to give G's mama a glimpse into her day to help her feel like she could be with her baby girl, even at full-time work. I can see why some parents wouldn't care, but I would love that if it was my situation, and her parents enjoyed it. Then I started another blog because it occurred to me how unfair it is for my own kid that I'm journaling about G's days but not Adam's.

Then, like a fool, I started a blog (after I read a dad's blog regarding the fact that his journal wasn't to exploit his family, or to journal about his kids' days; it was for himself as a husband and dad) I thought it would be cool to start a blog for myself. I don't do daycare for G anymore, so that's done. I very sporadically blog on Adam's Day, mostly when I have the energy after an emotional day that I feel is important to get in his "book". Do I spend any time on my own blog? Nope. I don't even check other blogs anymore. The honeymoon's over.

Why do I do this to myself?? I drive myself crazy!!!! I read something today that described exactly what I am doing, and it scared me. It was me to a frickin' T, in a bad way. I don't want to be this way because it's like I'm sinking my own boat, on purpose, and like a psychotic maniac, can't get enough and refuse to stop. Why wouldn't I stop my own personal crazy cycle (like the one I learned about in Eggerichs' Love & Respect)? Why can't I get this under control?

Because as much as I know how, I don't remember how. I NEED TO RETURN TO GOD.

I feel like a hamster who hopped on a wheel to go for a walk and is now running like mad, and I want so badly to get off of this damned wheel because it's spinning out of control, but I don't know how to stop myself, and I'm exhausted and don't get anything done! Then I think about it from an outsider's view. Anyone can see that I just need to slow down a little bit at a time until the wheel's stopped and I can just step off and back into the world.

All weekend (full of family time, spousal frustrations, and toddler sleeping like junk as he cuts his 3rd and 4th molars) I realized that this is all in my own hands. The thoughts keep ringing in my head:

Find balance. (with God)
Go back to the Lord and walk the straight and narrow. (return to God)
Quit asking questions and look for simple answers. (focus on God)
These choices are in my hands. (make God-centered choices)

I recognize consciously that I don't want to go out and do anything. I'm holing myself up, and I don't want to socialize. I've been really negative and it's been hard not to make emotional choices. Why? I know I need balance and I need to be reminded how to find it.

I read an article tonight that connected my thoughts and my actions. I am a WAHM, and that is no reason to feel like I shouldn't still have a schedule. The lack of structure I have for myself is unnerving because I function best on routine, as most of us do. Being home all the time has led me to become complacent and depressed.

First thing in the morning (because it's after midnight now, and I'm not dealing with anything but sleep tonight!) I'm printing a weekly schedule and filling it in, starting with church events, work, time with The Program, and dates with and away from Adam with others who I miss so much. I need to get on track and get my life in order for Tim and Adam. I want to be the wise wife who builds her home, not the foolish one who tears her own home down by her own folly. I need to stay Christ-centered, and I need Christ to find balance. I feel like a failure and it's time to change that. I want to be the wise wife who builds up my family, starting with God, then Tim and Adam.

When the hamster on the wheel realizes it's spinning outta control, it has to slow down gradually or it will be tossed about like a rag doll.With God's grace I won't get tossed about when I stop the crazy cycle, rather I'll fall in step with my boys and those around me.

I need to find joy and hope around me so my boys have fuller lives. Starting with sweet dreams... Good night.

following the leader

In this house things go off with lots of hitches. The one thing that we don't strive for is perfection, but we strive to do things with the right driving force: God. Tim and I have conversations about priorities. Sometimes those conversations get heated, sometimes they are brought up because of one of us making a move in the selfish direction.

I grew up in a family with 6 siblings. We didn't travel much. We didn't go out to eat much. We stayed home and played. We biked a mile into town to the park or Grandma & Grandpa's house to play. We camped in the yard. We played house and post office, and we spent a lot of time outside. My best friends were my siblings. We stayed overnight at friends' houses now and then, and I felt like I was missing out when I was away from home.

My parents created an environment for us to want to be. It wasn't just a place to live. I wanted to be home (I won't comment on my teenage years) and I still call it home. I remember crying as I drove out of the yard on my way to college because I was so homesick. It was a mental battle between my wants and needs. Now that I am home with Adam during the summer days (when I used to go to my parents' house 3 days a week while Tim worked, including last summer) I feel that pang of homesickness once more, and it's easy to decide: needs get priority over wants.

Summer. What a great time of year to be busy, unless you have a busy toddler who needs a routine. The majority of the time I can recreate some of Adam's routine, but I'm a sucker for the easy route, so I stay home. I know that with more kids I will stay home even more, and I'm going to because I want to. Tim used to say things to me when I was pregnant to the effect of, "Our life isn't going to change that much, is it? Why would it?" I didn't even respond. Truth is, his life didn't change much. Not until I started putting more of Adam's care in his hands. I resented Tim for a long time for that, but through The Program have learned that the blame falls on me for not trusting Tim enough... I'm losing track here. That's gonna be another post, I guess. ;)

At any rate, Adam needs routine wherever we are. When he needs something, he communicates that. It falls on me and Tim to listen and decipher his language. Adam is learning some sign language, but that has its limits. It will only get easier. When he was too young to sign and whine, it was only crying. I'll never forget Tim's anxious manner when he asked me when we just got Adam home, "How do we know what he wants?" It wasn't that he wanted anything, it's that he needed something. I figured things out based on the clock. It got easier to hear it in his cries whether it was a hungry cry or a tired cry. Adam never fussed about his diaper, and was a very content baby. I didn't wait for him to cry to answer to his needs; I responded when he fussed. Why wait for a cry when it only meant it would teach him not to trust me and I'd have to take longer to calm him down. It was a no-brainer.

When it came to letting Adam cry it out (CIO) at bedtime, I only attempted it when I knew he was healthy, fed, and tired. His only need at that point was for sleep. He wanted to nurse and be held/rocked/snuggled and I made sure that was the reason for his sadness. I knew that was the case when he would cry when I lowered him to his crib, and stop immediately when I picked him up. I recognized that from his days of crying in his car seat. He cried when he was not ready to self-soothe, and got over it when he was ready for it. When he self-soothed in his car seat he was probably ready to self-soothe in his crib.

This household runs on a baby-led schedule. We meet Adam's needs first. In this culture, that idea is not widely accepted or embraced. We expect our babies to conform to our lifestyles, in the hopes that "not that much will change". I wanted my life to change. Babies are not novelty items. They are anything but convenient. Who said they should be? I am happy to follow Adam's lead, especially when it's so easy to read his signals and adjust to his needs to get a happy kid. Why wouldn't I? It's easy because it's common sense. It's natural. I agree that it's good for kids to learn to be patient and learn to wait for some things. I also believe that a kid's needs should be met before mine because I am a real-life grown-up and it's not all about me. =)

I ramble too much. I know that. ;) The point is, if we follow God, our priorities will fall easily into place. Needs will be met, wants will follow. Joy will capture our hearts and we will find an attitude of gratitude. Prayers for health and thanksgiving are abundant, and so are our blessings. =)

lists, and other wastes of my time that i keep doing

Yes, I'm still here. I'm put off by the fact that some jackal hacked my blog, and the thought of blogging hasn't thrilled me in the least. I need to get over it, so here I am. I'll check in more and try to use this space better than I have.

Summer has definitely settled on us. I am 100% excited for all the things I listed in a previous post, and I am also 100% overwhelmed by how busy I've kept in the last 2 weeks. The house is a disaster and it will not get better for the Norwex party I very stupidly (smacking my forehead repeatedly) scheduled for Thursday (we are going to Tim's parents' the next morning for the weekend for a fam reunion, and tenting it). So I'm panicking slightly. As soon as I post this, I am making lists of the stuff I need to get done, the calls and emails I need to take care of, and the heap I need to pack for the Shootin' The Bull reunion (yup, that's what it's called).

I am a chronic list-maker-not-follow-through-er. For someone like me, the point of making the list is to get my frantic thoughts on paper to try to make sense of them in a frenzied effort to chill myself out, but not necessarily to do anything about them. I love listing things. When I am trying (for any God-forsaken reason) to stay awake, I make a list. Sometimes I make lists of lists. Usually I leave them laying around and I tune them out. After all, they only serve to remind me what I have not gotten done.

I waste a lot of paper. And time. And then I remember how freaked out I am about how little time I have and then I tell myself to GET OVER IT AND JUST TAKE CARE OF THINGS!!

Speaking of, I gotta go...

:-)