Wednesday, August 20, 2014

another random check-in

Boy, have I been in a funk. I'm lonely. I don't have a problem admitting that, but it comes with a stigma that I'm failing at life somehow, somewhere. I don't currently have many close friends. I was close to someone for about a year and a half, until about a month ago when she dropped off the face of the planet. I never see her out. She doesn't respond to my messages. I'm not insecure about why, but understanding her history with depression since losing her son makes me concerned about her. I don't want to overstep my boundaries and show up on her doorstep, and at the same time it seems unsettling to me to just stop hearing from her. :/

Sorry, I'll stop going on about it. It consumes a fair amount of my thoughts lately, especially when I'm at home and have nothing else to focus on. Actually, that's not entirely true. In my loneliness I've come to realize how much I miss my hobbies. I've somewhat reluctantly reclaimed my bedroom; Emily's crib is in Adam's room, or, as we now know it, The Kids' Room. It's exposed a lot of things (I've been ashamed to admit) hiding from the simple fact of denial and procrastination: paperwork and just plain junk. Not to mention the fact that I'm not ready for Emily to be in a room away from me as much as I'm desperate for her to give me space. She nurses a lot at night still. I haven't had her cry it out like I did with Adam. It worked with him and she carried on for an hour and a half at my last feeble attempt.

I digress as that is not where my original thought path intended. In the process of cleaning and moving things, eliminating and discovering things, I'm getting excited to put closet organizers in this house and arrange my room to accommodate my sewing desk. It got me to thinking about all the hobbies I miss. I am getting to the edge of myself here, as you can tell by my long-winded message, and I want to go back to writing. I keep a couple of blogs. One for me, one for Adam, and I'd like to create and keep up with one for Emily. They're journals. I quit doing them when Tim and I hit our muddy low. How do you journal the overwhelming barrage of garbage exploding from a very muddled up and depressed mind in simple ABC's on the internet? You don't. Someone out there might, but not this girl. Best to bury that crud in the past, submitting it to God and moving on. I want to move on from it and I feel ready. Another thing my loneliness has exposed is my need to have a close my husband. I've been reluctant because of a painful past, but now I'm holding myself back from happiness. Well, no more! My baby is old enough that the fog of motherhood has lifted and I'm eager to get moving. My insomniac mind has only started and It's nearly 11 o'clock. Oh, dear.

On that note, time for a long drowning soak to stifle the sounds of my thoughts. I'm bringing a book with me into the tub. Think I can manage to keep it dry? ;)

Lord, in my eagerness to be joyful, I'm praising you for my loneliness. It is waking me up to the fact that I need Tim as my best friend. It is a gift to realize that friends may come and go but my husband will be with me always (I sure hope!) and I am asking you, God, to fill me with the Holy Spirit so my thoughts, words, and actions can build my relationship with Tim into a best-friendship. In Jesus' name I pray,

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